Children who are brought up in families that do not have large amounts of money are better prepared to deal with the problems of adult life than children brought up by wealthy parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
In
this
era, young people
who are raised in poor families
face
some problems
better when they become adult
people
than children
educated by rich parents
. I really concur for
Change preposition
with
this
statement. In this
essay, I will discuss more about this
interesting topic.
Nowadays, the
Correct article usage
apply
children
coming from poor families
have better preparation to face
problems
when they have been
adults than young Wrong verb form
are
people
raised by wealth
Replace the word
wealthy
parents
. This
is because When the
Correct article usage
apply
children
have gotten used to a hard life, the mentalities of them
will be very strong Correct pronoun usage
they
to
Rephrase
enough to
face
some problems
when they have been
adults. Wrong verb form
become
For instance
, when young people
that
have Correct pronoun usage
who
been
grown up in impoverished Unnecessary verb
apply
families
want to study at school, they will endeavour to work hard to earn a lot of money and save the money to pay for the
education. Change the word
their
Therefore
, the
underprivileged Correct article usage
apply
children
can survive to face
a lot of problems
when they have become adult
people
.
On the other hand
, children
who come from high-income parents
will be more spoiled and do not have strong mentalities because they are already used to facing hard situations. Meanwhile
the Add a comma
Meanwhile,
children
coming from the
prosperous Correct article usage
apply
families
will be dependent on their parents
. They have a
privilege Correct article usage
the
to overcome
some Change preposition
of overcoming
problems
when they have been
grown-ups. Wrong verb form
become
For example
, when they have become turn mature people
and they do not have jobs, they will ask their parents
to provide some capitals
to run a business. So, I think they do notFix the agreement mistake
capital
Add a missing verb
have a
a
mental to survive on some Correct article usage
the
problems
when they have become adult
people
.
In conclusion, young people
who are raised in poor family
will be better Fix the agreement mistake
families
to
Correct word choice
able to
face
the pressure when they have
become Unnecessary verb
apply
adult
Fix the agreement mistake
adults
people
. On the other hand
, children
educated by affluent parents
will not survive facing the workforce without proper skills.Submitted by akbarsurya264 on
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task achievement
Try to develop your main points further with more detailed examples or arguments. This will help to clarify your ideas and make your essay more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your ideas flow logically from one to the next. Using linking words and signposts can help guide the reader through your argument.
introduction conclusion
The introduction clearly presents your stance on the topic, setting a good foundation for the essay.
logical structure
You have a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- firstly
- secondly
- thirdly
- in additional
- moreover
- also
- for example
- for instance
- therefore
- however
- although
- even though
- despite