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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

‎Some young people leave the countryside to live in cities or towns, leaving only ‎older people in the countryside. What are the problems of this issue? What can ‎be done to solve this problem?‎

#‎some #people #countryside #cities #towns #‎older #‎be
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Some young
people
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 prefer to leave
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Correct article usage
the countrysides
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countrysides
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countryside
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 to live in
cities
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 and towns. The problems caused by
this
Linking Words
 issue are
cities
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 are becoming overpopulated, and old
people
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 are becoming alone. To solve
this
Linking Words
 issue,
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Correct article usage
the countrysides
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countrysides
Fix the agreement mistake
countryside
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 should have the same
facilities
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, which
cities
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 have, and the young generation should become responsible towards their elderly
parents
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. When the young generation moves from rural
areas
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 to urban
areas
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, urban
areas
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 become overpopulated. An overpopulated city has a lot of problems
such
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 as pollution,
trafiic
Correct your spelling
traffic
 jams, accommodation crisis, and high living costs.
As a result
Linking Words
, living becomes challenging in an overpopulated city.
Moreover
Linking Words
, when young
people
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 leave
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Correct article usage
the countrysides
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countrysides
Fix the agreement mistake
countryside
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, they actually leave their
parents
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 and other family members alone who are old.
Therefore
Linking Words
, these
people
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 do not get proper care and nursing because there is no one to take care of them.
For instance
Linking Words
, in Australia, many young
people
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 leave their
parents
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 every year in the regional
areas
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 and move to
cities
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 for better opportunities. Their
parents
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 become alone and there is
not
Correct your spelling
no
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 one to serve them. To solve
this
Linking Words
 problem,
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Correct article usage
the countrysides
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countrysides
Fix the agreement mistake
countryside
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 should have the same modern
facilities
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, which
cities
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 have. If
countrysides
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 have the same
facilities
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like
Change preposition
as
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cities
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, young
people
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 will remain in
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Correct article usage
the countrysides
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countrysides
Fix the agreement mistake
countryside
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 and the population of
cities
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 and
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countrysides
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countryside
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 will
get
Verb problem
be
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 balanced.
As a result
Linking Words
,
cities
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 will be free from numerous challenges.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the young generation should understand that they have responsibilities towards their
parents
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. They should not only prioritize better career and educational opportunities rather they should think about their
parents
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.
For example
Linking Words
, in Japan, children are taught about their responsibilities towards their
parents
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 in schools, which encourages them to live with their
parents
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 in the same house and take care of them. In conclusion, when young
people
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 leave
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Correct article usage
the countrysides
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countrysides
Fix the agreement mistake
countryside
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 to live in
cities
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,
cities
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 become overpopulated and their elderly
parents
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 become alone. Solutions to
this
Linking Words
 problem are
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Correct article usage
the countrysides
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countrysides
Replace the word
countries
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 should have the same
facilities
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 which
cities
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 and towns have, and young
people
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 should be responsible towards their
parents
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

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Coherence and Cohesion
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Task Achievement
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Task Achievement
Strive for a deeper exploration of potential solutions.
Task Achievement
The essay clearly identifies the main problems of urban migration and provides solutions.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clear and provide a good summary of the discussion.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay maintains a logical structure throughout, with paragraphs clearly organized around specific points.
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