In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

Nowadays,

due to

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various factors, many

people

Use synonyms

don't prefer to

deliever

Correct your spelling

deliver

babies and the

population

Use synonyms

of elder

people

Use synonyms

are

incresing

Correct your spelling

increasing

then

Linking Words

it causes

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

aging

Change the spelling

ageing

show examples

population

Use synonyms

problems for our

society

Use synonyms

, especially the

governments

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. Some argue that

this

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phenominon

Correct your spelling

phenomenon

affects

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

public organizations seriously,

wherease

Correct your spelling

whereas

other

people

Use synonyms

believe that

this

Linking Words

issue is

benefitial

Correct your spelling

beneficial

for our

society

Use synonyms

. From my perspective, it is

the

Correct article usage

show examples

serious

problem

Use synonyms

for our

governments

Use synonyms

and

society

Use synonyms

. Several

people

Use synonyms

agree that the

aging

Change the spelling

ageing

show examples

population

Use synonyms

creates many serious problems for

governments

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. The

reasons

Use synonyms

are that

this

Linking Words

population

Use synonyms

issue affects the national military power and many young

people

Use synonyms

negatively.

For example

Linking Words

due to

Linking Words

the over number of elder

people

Use synonyms

than the young

people

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, it slows the military force because the number of young

people

Use synonyms

is the essential factor and it is directly related to the promotion of the national military power.

Besides

Linking Words

due to

Linking Words

the elder

people

Use synonyms

, many young guys

should

Verb problem

apply

show examples

have heavier social responsibilities than the elder

people

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for instance

Linking Words

, many young

people

Use synonyms

are

Verb problem

find it

show examples

hard to find

their

Correct pronoun usage

apply

show examples

jobs because

Change preposition

apply

show examples

the

elder

Replace the word

elderly

show examples

people

Use synonyms

occupying

Wrong verb form

have occupied

show examples

their jobs for many years,

then

Linking Words

It causes to slow the national economy and

governments

Use synonyms

Therefore

Linking Words

, owing to these

reasons

Use synonyms

, it has negative effects on not only the

society

Use synonyms

and

Correct word choice

but

show examples

also

Linking Words

the

governments

Use synonyms

. In other

people

Use synonyms

's opinion,

this

Linking Words

problem

Use synonyms

can benefit

for

Change preposition

apply

show examples

the

governments

Use synonyms

. There are

reasons

Use synonyms

why

this

Linking Words

benetfitial

Correct your spelling

beneficial

. First of all,

Linking Words

due to

Change preposition

apply

show examples

more elderly

people

Use synonyms

Correct pronoun usage

apply

show examples

makes

Correct subject-verb agreement

make

show examples

the

governments

Use synonyms

pay attention to the welfare related to

take

Change the verb form

taking

show examples

care of elder

people

Use synonyms

For example

Linking Words

, thanks to the

aging

Change the spelling

ageing

show examples

population

Use synonyms

, many elder

people

Use synonyms

can find

their

Correct pronoun usage

apply

show examples

job

Fix the agreement mistake

jobs

show examples

easily and

also

Linking Words

they have many opportunities to learn various knowledge. The second reason, it makes the medical department of the government focus on the

elder

Replace the word

elderly

show examples

peoplee's

Correct your spelling

people's

health and try to improve the medical technologies related to elder

people

Use synonyms

's health.

Thus

Linking Words

due to

Linking Words

these

reasons

Use synonyms

this

Linking Words

problem

Use synonyms

can

benefits

Change the verb form

benefit

show examples

the medical and social aspects and the public organizations. In my opinion,

aging

Correct article usage

the aging

show examples

population

Use synonyms

problem

Use synonyms

has negative effects on the

governments

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. There are 2

reasons

Use synonyms

why it is negative for

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

public organizations.

Firstly

Linking Words

due to

Linking Words

the

over

Correct your spelling

overpopulation

show examples

population

Use synonyms

of elder

people

Use synonyms

, young

people

Use synonyms

are able to be treated more unfairly than

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

elder

people

Use synonyms

then

Linking Words

this

Linking Words

phenominon

Correct your spelling

phenomenon

causes the situation that many young

people

Use synonyms

aren't willing to apply for the national military, and it decreases the national military power. Another reason is that,

due to

Linking Words

this

Linking Words

problem

Use synonyms

, many young

people

Use synonyms

are

Verb problem

find it

show examples

hard to find

their

Correct pronoun usage

apply

show examples

jobs and it affects their mental health negatively. Through

this

Linking Words

, it reduces the number of young

people

Use synonyms

. In conclusion,

due to

Linking Words

various elements, the

aging

Change the spelling

ageing

show examples

population

Use synonyms

affects

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

governments

Use synonyms

. To solve

this

Linking Words

problem

Use synonyms

, the

governments

Use synonyms

should pay attention to the elder

people

Use synonyms

and young

people

Use synonyms

. If

this

Linking Words

problem

Use synonyms

goes seriously, it affects not only the

governments

Use synonyms

and

Correct word choice

but

show examples

also

Linking Words

the whole nation seriously.

lizehua041210

Dec 6, 2024

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task achievement

Work on grammatical accuracy, as minor errors are present throughout the essay which can affect clarity. For example, "deliever" should be "deliver" and "phenominon" should be "phenomenon."

task achievement

Ensure to clarify complex ideas and make them more comprehensive. Some sentences are long and convoluted. Simplifying and breaking them down can improve comprehension.

coherence cohesion

Enhance logical structure by clearly connecting some points or ideas to ensure smooth flow and avoid possible confusion or repetition.

coherence cohesion

The essay is well-structured with clear introduction, body paragraphs and conclusion, demonstrating good understanding of essay organization.

task achievement

You have successfully presented both perspectives on the ageing population issue, showcasing a balanced view.

coherence cohesion

The essay concludes with a thoughtful summary of the points discussed, leaving a clear final impression on the reader.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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10
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
6
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
39
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

5 paragraphs

471 words

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Topic Vocabulary:

ageing population
benefits
disadvantages
advantages
experience
knowledge
contribution
economy
society
healthcare
youth employment
community
intergenerational support
volunteerism
mentorship
increased demand
pension costs
social welfare systems
workforce
productivity
intergenerational conflict
technological adaptability
dependency
effective
skill development
employment opportunities
intergenerational solidarity
communication
lifelong learning
technological literacy
age-friendly
social policies
infrastructure

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