In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?
Nowadays,
due to
various factors, many people
don't prefer to deliever
babies and the Correct your spelling
deliver
population
of elder people
are incresing
Correct your spelling
increasing
then
it causes the
Correct article usage
apply
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
population
problems for our society
, especially the governments
. Some argue that this
phenominon
affects Correct your spelling
phenomenon
the
public organizations seriously, Correct article usage
apply
wherease
other Correct your spelling
whereas
people
believe that this
issue is benefitial
for our Correct your spelling
beneficial
society
. From my perspective, it is the
serious Correct article usage
a
problem
for our governments
and society
.
Several people
agree that the aging
Change the spelling
ageing
population
creates many serious problems for governments
. The reasons
are that this
population
issue affects the national military power and many young people
negatively. For example
, due to
the over number of elder people
than the young people
, it slows the military force because the number of young people
is the essential factor and it is directly related to the promotion of the national military power. Besides
, due to
the elder people
, many young guys should
have heavier social responsibilities than the elder Verb problem
apply
people
, for instance
, many young people
are
hard to find Verb problem
find it
their
jobs because Correct pronoun usage
apply
of
the Change preposition
apply
elder
Replace the word
elderly
people
occupying
their jobs for many years, Wrong verb form
have occupied
then
It causes to slow the national economy and governments
. Therefore
, owing to these reasons
, it has negative effects on not only the society
and
Correct word choice
but
also
the governments
.
In other people
's opinion, this
problem
can benefit for
the Change preposition
apply
governments
. There are reasons
why this
is benetfitial
. First of all, Correct your spelling
beneficial
due to
more elderly Change preposition
apply
people
, it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
makes
the Correct subject-verb agreement
make
governments
pay attention to the welfare related to take
care of elder Change the verb form
taking
people
. For example
, thanks to the aging
Change the spelling
ageing
population
, many elder people
can find their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
job
easily and Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
also
they have many opportunities to learn various knowledge. The second reason, it makes the medical department of the government focus on the elder
Replace the word
elderly
peoplee's
health and try to improve the medical technologies related to elder Correct your spelling
people's
people
's health. Thus
, due to
these reasons
, this
problem
can benefits
the medical and social aspects and the public organizations.
In my opinion, Change the verb form
benefit
aging
Correct article usage
the aging
population
problem
has negative effects on the governments
. There are 2 reasons
why it is negative for the
public organizations. Correct article usage
apply
Firstly
, due to
the over
Correct your spelling
overpopulation
population
of elder people
, young people
are able to be treated more unfairly than the
elder Correct article usage
apply
people
then
this
phenominon
causes the situation that many young Correct your spelling
phenomenon
people
aren't willing to apply for the national military, and it decreases the national military power. Another reason is that, due to
this
problem
, many young people
are
hard to find Verb problem
find it
their
jobs and it affects their mental health negatively. Through Correct pronoun usage
apply
this
, it reduces the number of young people
.
In conclusion, due to
various elements, the aging
Change the spelling
ageing
population
affects the
Correct article usage
apply
governments
. To solve this
problem
, the governments
should pay attention to the elder people
and young people
. If this
problem
goes seriously, it affects not only the governments
and
Correct word choice
but
also
the whole nation seriously.Submitted by lizehua041210 on
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task achievement
Work on grammatical accuracy, as minor errors are present throughout the essay which can affect clarity. For example, "deliever" should be "deliver" and "phenominon" should be "phenomenon."
task achievement
Ensure to clarify complex ideas and make them more comprehensive. Some sentences are long and convoluted. Simplifying and breaking them down can improve comprehension.
coherence cohesion
Enhance logical structure by clearly connecting some points or ideas to ensure smooth flow and avoid possible confusion or repetition.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-structured with clear introduction, body paragraphs and conclusion, demonstrating good understanding of essay organization.
task achievement
You have successfully presented both perspectives on the ageing population issue, showcasing a balanced view.
coherence cohesion
The essay concludes with a thoughtful summary of the points discussed, leaving a clear final impression on the reader.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example