In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #people #population #governments #society

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Nowadays,

due to

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various factors, many

people

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don't prefer to

deliever

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deliver

babies and the

population

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of elder

people

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are

incresing

Correct your spelling

increasing

then

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it causes

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

aging

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ageing

show examples

population

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problems for our

society

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, especially the

governments

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. Some argue that

this

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phenominon

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phenomenon

affects

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

public organizations seriously,

wherease

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whereas

other

people

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believe that

this

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issue is

benefitial

Correct your spelling

beneficial

for our

society

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. From my perspective, it is

the

Correct article usage

show examples

serious

problem

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for our

governments

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and

society

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. Several

people

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agree that the

aging

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ageing

show examples

population

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creates many serious problems for

governments

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. The

reasons

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are that

this

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population

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issue affects the national military power and many young

people

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negatively.

For example

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due to

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the over number of elder

people

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than the young

people

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, it slows the military force because the number of young

people

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is the essential factor and it is directly related to the promotion of the national military power.

Besides

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due to

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the elder

people

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, many young guys

should

Verb problem

apply

show examples

have heavier social responsibilities than the elder

people

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for instance

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, many young

people

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are

Verb problem

find it

show examples

hard to find

their

Correct pronoun usage

apply

show examples

jobs because

Change preposition

apply

show examples

the

elder

Replace the word

elderly

show examples

people

Use synonyms

occupying

Wrong verb form

have occupied

show examples

their jobs for many years,

then

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It causes to slow the national economy and

governments

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Therefore

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, owing to these

reasons

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, it has negative effects on not only the

society

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and

Correct word choice

but

show examples

also

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the

governments

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. In other

people

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's opinion,

this

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problem

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can benefit

for

Change preposition

apply

show examples

the

governments

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. There are

reasons

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why

this

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benetfitial

Correct your spelling

beneficial

. First of all,

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due to

Change preposition

apply

show examples

more elderly

people

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Correct pronoun usage

apply

show examples

makes

Correct subject-verb agreement

make

show examples

the

governments

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pay attention to the welfare related to

take

Change the verb form

taking

show examples

care of elder

people

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For example

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, thanks to the

aging

Change the spelling

ageing

show examples

population

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, many elder

people

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can find

their

Correct pronoun usage

apply

show examples

job

Fix the agreement mistake

jobs

show examples

easily and

also

Linking Words

they have many opportunities to learn various knowledge. The second reason, it makes the medical department of the government focus on the

elder

Replace the word

elderly

show examples

peoplee's

Correct your spelling

people's

health and try to improve the medical technologies related to elder

people

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's health.

Thus

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due to

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these

reasons

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this

Linking Words

problem

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can

benefits

Change the verb form

benefit

show examples

the medical and social aspects and the public organizations. In my opinion,

aging

Correct article usage

the aging

show examples

population

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problem

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has negative effects on the

governments

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. There are 2

reasons

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why it is negative for

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

public organizations.

Firstly

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due to

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the

over

Correct your spelling

overpopulation

show examples

population

Use synonyms

of elder

people

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, young

people

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are able to be treated more unfairly than

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

elder

people

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then

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this

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phenominon

Correct your spelling

phenomenon

causes the situation that many young

people

Use synonyms

aren't willing to apply for the national military, and it decreases the national military power. Another reason is that,

due to

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this

Linking Words

problem

Use synonyms

, many young

people

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are

Verb problem

find it

show examples

hard to find

their

Correct pronoun usage

apply

show examples

jobs and it affects their mental health negatively. Through

this

Linking Words

, it reduces the number of young

people

Use synonyms

. In conclusion,

due to

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various elements, the

aging

Change the spelling

ageing

show examples

population

Use synonyms

affects

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

governments

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. To solve

this

Linking Words

problem

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, the

governments

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should pay attention to the elder

people

Use synonyms

and young

people

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. If

this

Linking Words

problem

Use synonyms

goes seriously, it affects not only the

governments

Use synonyms

and

Correct word choice

but

show examples

also

Linking Words

the whole nation seriously.

Submitted by lizehua041210 on Fri Dec 06 2024

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task achievement

Work on grammatical accuracy, as minor errors are present throughout the essay which can affect clarity. For example, "deliever" should be "deliver" and "phenominon" should be "phenomenon."

task achievement

Ensure to clarify complex ideas and make them more comprehensive. Some sentences are long and convoluted. Simplifying and breaking them down can improve comprehension.

coherence cohesion

Enhance logical structure by clearly connecting some points or ideas to ensure smooth flow and avoid possible confusion or repetition.

coherence cohesion

The essay is well-structured with clear introduction, body paragraphs and conclusion, demonstrating good understanding of essay organization.

task achievement

You have successfully presented both perspectives on the ageing population issue, showcasing a balanced view.

coherence cohesion

The essay concludes with a thoughtful summary of the points discussed, leaving a clear final impression on the reader.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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10
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
6
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
39
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

5 paragraphs

471 words

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Topic Vocabulary:

ageing population
benefits
disadvantages
advantages
experience
knowledge
contribution
economy
society
healthcare
youth employment
community
intergenerational support
volunteerism
mentorship
increased demand
pension costs
social welfare systems
workforce
productivity
intergenerational conflict
technological adaptability
dependency
effective
skill development
employment opportunities
intergenerational solidarity
communication
lifelong learning
technological literacy
age-friendly
social policies
infrastructure

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