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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

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It is clear that
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 always
children
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 feel so much pressure about anything because of culture. Many
people
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 believe that if
children
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 work hard, they can achieve whatever they want. It has some advantages
such
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 as improving competitive features and preparing for real
life
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.
On the other hand
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, some
people
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 think that there are a few disadvantages to giving
children
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this
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message
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such
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 as an unhappy
life
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, lack of self-confidence and feeling pressure and
stress
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. The first point to consider is that the most important advantage is preparing for real
life
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. If
people
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 give
children
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this
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message
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 that
children
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 can achieve anything when they try enough,
children
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 can prepare themselves for real
life
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. Because, in real
life
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, especially jobs and university times,
children
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 will struggle. So, if
children
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 learn hard work in childhood, they can achieve more complex missions.
On the other hand
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, unfortunately, our lives include so many competitive areas.
Moreover
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, parents usually ignore
this
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 fact. If
people
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 ignore these facts and they don't give advice to
children
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,
children
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 can't get used to working hard.
As a result
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, they cannot be as successful as other
children
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 who took the
message
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 for trying hard enough. In recent years, culture and
people
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 generally pressure
children
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 to try hard enough. The biggest drawback is
stress
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 and self-confidence issues. First of all,
this
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message
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 can seem positive. But, when
children
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 are not successful, they lose their confidence and they feel upset. Recent research has shown that
children
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 who try so many times to achieve something generally cannot
be achieves
Change the verb form
be achieved
show examples
 because of
stress
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.
Then
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, they live an unhappy
life
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.
To sum up
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, taking everything into account, giving a
message
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 to
children
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 that if try hard enough, they can achieve anything has both benefits like improving competitive features, and preparing for real
life
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 and drawbacks
such
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 as an unhappy
life
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, and
feeling
Verb problem
apply
show examples
stress
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.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that the essay is structured clearly with each paragraph having a clear purpose and logical progression. This will enhance coherence.
task achievement
Try to include more specific examples to support your points. This will result in a higher task achievement score.
task achievement
Work on reducing repetition and refining ideas for clarity to improve clarity and comprehensiveness.
task achievement
The essay presents both advantages and disadvantages of the message given to children, showcasing balance.
coherence cohesion
You provided a clear introduction and conclusion that effectively frame the discussion.
coherence cohesion
The essay maintains focus on the topic, which is crucial for coherence.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
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