IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people say that to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus more on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It is argued that governing bodies should put more effort
in
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into
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 reducing pollution in the environment and difficulty in
accomodation
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accommodation
 to ensure their citizens'
overall
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 welfare. I would completely agree with
this
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 argument because these two issues are the major contributors to the medical
problems
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people
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 are suffering these days.  There is no doubt that environmental pollution plays a crucial role in causing
health
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 issues. Since industrialization emits countless toxic gases into the atmosphere,
people
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 living in polluted environments, where fresh air is not available, suffer respiratory
problems
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,
such
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 as choking and coughing.
Although
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 these
problems
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 seem to be trivial, they may eventually lead to devastating diseases,
such
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 as lung cancer,
due to
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 the continuous exposure to toxic wastes in the atmosphere.
For example
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, it is reported that residents in urban areas of industrial countries including India and China are three times more likely to suffer from lung
problems
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 than
people
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 in other countries.
Therefore
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, by focusing on promoting environmental conditions, authorities can enhance their citizens'
health
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, preventing possible pollution threats. Another leading cause is the scarcity of proper accommodation. Many
people
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 in both developed and developing countries are forced to live on the street
due to
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 high monthly rent and mortgage. These homeless
people
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 are especially vulnerable to contagious diseases as they are not provided with basic sanitation facilities.
As a result
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, they might pass these diseases to other
people
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 in the street, contributing to a sudden break-out of a pandemic.
However
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, if governments can take steps to help these
people
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, they can prevent
this
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 kind of disaster from happening, saving their
people
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 from potential
health
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problems
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 and ensuring them a roof
on
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over
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 their heads.  In conclusion, many
people
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 argue that authoritative bodies should direct their efforts to promote environmental
health
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 and provide
people
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 with appropriate accommodations to prevent poor
health
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 conditions. I would definitely agree with his ideas as concentrating on mitigating the two major threats to human
health
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 would mitigate possible
health
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problems
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.

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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph develops a single clear idea, and link your examples more explicitly to your main points for maximal clarity.
Task Achievement
While your essay was comprehensive, ensure that it fully addresses the components of the task prompt; include perspectives or arguments against the main point if the prompt asks for your stance in agreement or disagreement.
Coherence & Cohesion
The essay has a well-defined introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the argument.
Task Achievement
The essay provides relevant examples which help support the argument made.
Coherence & Cohesion
The main ideas are clear and logically developed across paragraphs.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive healthcare
  • environmental regulations
  • respiratory diseases
  • public health policies
  • sanitation facilities
  • urban planning
  • communicable diseases
  • socio-economic factors
  • sustainable development
  • government intervention
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • industrial emissions
  • air quality index
  • affordable housing
  • mental wellbeing
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