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Band 6.5

cooperation should be replace by competition ? discuses both view and share your own idea

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Competition is one of the most controversial topics.
While
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 some
people
Use synonyms
 argue that it is useful , others contend that it should be replaced by cooperation . I completely agree with the second mindset . Innovation plays a significant in a cooperative
environment
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 , leading to the discovery of new ideas to solve many challenges . By fostering
such
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 a place ,
people
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 can share their mindset without worrying about consequences – a common belief among most
people
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 .
For instance
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 , when a new company spends a considerable amount of effort to create an
environment
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 where
people
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 exchange information , it will definitely flourish in its own way .
Moreover
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, achieving long–term goals is one of the most essential reasons why we need to be part of
such
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 environments . I firmly believe that it improves the strong sense of belonging between
people
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 who are working together . Knowing that there will be someone to cover your tasks when you are sick reduces your stress about your job condition .
also
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, it significantly diminishes the negative feelings that we often struggle with , leading to a more positive and healthy
environment
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 .
Moreover
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 , it creates places where
people
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 can learn new skills and share experiences to enhance their professional development .
For instance
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 , younger workers can quickly learn how to deal with their tasks
in contrast
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 but being in a more competitive place .
While
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 some
people
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 argue that competition can encourage workers to keep trying and motivate them to achieve better positions, l completely reject
this
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 nation . It is true that it can help us perform our tasks more efficiently , but
also
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 creates significant challenges
such
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 as emotional damage . when you realize that despite your efforts , you cannot reach your goals , it not only discourages you but
also
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 leads to various mental health issues
such
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 as depression . In conclusion, a cooperative
environment
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 ,
due to
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 the many benefits it offers for both professional and personal growth , should replace a competitive workplace .

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task achievement
Ensure all points are supported with adequate, relevant examples.
coherence and cohesion
Improve sentence structures to maintain seamless progression of ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Revisit paragraph transitions to enhance logical flow between arguments.
introduction
The introduction effectively sets the stage for the essay, clearly stating the main point.
conclusion
Conclusion summarizes the main ideas well, reinforcing the central argument effectively.
task achievement
Offers insightful perspectives on the merits of cooperation over competition.
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