IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Is it a positive or negative trend

#children #hours #smartphones #case #trend
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The world has become a lot
innovative
Correct quantifier usage
more innovative
show examples
.
Children
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Children's
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 hours every day on their smartphones is not a good thing
moreover
a
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apply
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scientific research has
occurred
Verb problem
found
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 that children are becoming 10
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
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 less intelligent and lazy
while
, some
kids
use
 it to learn a lot about education. I strongly agree with the notion that young
kids
 must go and learn from
she
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 schools, like we all used to but
use
 phones for some time .Indeed,
due to
increasing
Correct article usage
the increasing
show examples
 rate of young
kids
 using phones is dangerous.
For
instance
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instance,
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 my younger brother doesn't focus on his studies at all,
in other
words
Add the comma(s)
words,
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 he thinks achieving something via studying is history now. Now there are a lot of social apps
for example
instagram
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Instagram
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, facebook and
tik tok
Correct your spelling
TikTok
.
According to
 a local
newspaper
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newspaper,
show examples
 he printed that average
person
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person's
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 minimum
screen-time
Correct your spelling
screen time
show examples
 is 8 hours, yet
mobile
Correct article usage
a mobile
show examples
 phone is a necessity now. Everything has its pros and cons and it depends on you how you are gonna
use
 it ,
meanwhile
Add a comma
meanwhile,
show examples
 it has provided
is
Correct your spelling
us
show examples
 with
mani
Correct your spelling
many
show examples
 solutions and we must not overlook it. Life will
be keep
Change the verb form
keep
show examples
 moving date and it is highly likely that, I totally don't disagree with
kids
 using
Add an article
the phone
a phone
show examples
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 but I think they must
use
to
Correct pronoun usage
them to
show examples
 know more about
world
Add an article
the world
show examples
, allows them to stay together
Submitted by umarilyas121 on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic by discussing reasons why children spend hours on smartphones and some potential negative effects. However, the structure could be improved by providing a clearer introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
Make sure to provide relevant and specific examples to support each main point. For instance, discussing specific studies or evidence that smartphones negatively impact intelligence would strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Focus on having a more organized structure. Adding paragraphs for each idea and including clear topic sentences may help improve coherence and cohesion. Try including a well-defined introduction and conclusion, with clear transitions between ideas.
task achievement
The essay shows an understanding of some negative impacts of excessive smartphone use on children.
task achievement
You have mentioned both negative and positive effects, which shows a balanced viewpoint.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • screen time
  • digital devices
  • smartphone addiction
  • online interactions
  • developmental impact
  • physical health
  • mental well-being
  • academic performance
  • parental supervision
  • proliferation of apps
  • engaging content
  • excessive use
  • sedentary lifestyle
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