IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think is fully justified while others think it is unfair. Discuss both these views and give your opinion

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In recent years, athletes have been gaining more
money
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 at large in sports than in other major pursuit careers ,
such
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 as sciences and medical fields.any parties argue that it is fair
while
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 others claim the opposite.
This
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 essay will look at both viewpoints and present my perspective. I firmly believe that an equitable society wherein, all members earn
money
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 in a balanced way is essential for the
overall
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 fulfilment and enjoyment of life. On the one hand, Those who are in support of sporters who fund an enormous amount of
money
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 point out that being a successful athlete needs a myriad of complications .
In other words
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, everyone can not be a proper competitor, having talent, persevering and continuously honing their skills , can vanquish the adversaries,
thus
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 they deserve to earn.
Secondly
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, often individuals from poverty have considerable talent and can use
this
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 skill to be rich and have financial security for their family .
For example
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, Messi who is now one of the richest and most famous soccer in the world, when he was a child , his family could not even pay for the illness that he had.
On the other hand
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, Many hold the opinion that to make an equitable society , all
people
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 should invest
money
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 in a fair way and equally.Teachers have a great responsibility to upbringing children and teach them to be a potential one for their country and doctors , as it saves many lives and heavily works for
overall
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 well-being and longevity, and
also
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 deserves to earn a great deal of
money
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.
Furthermore
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, in a socialist country where there is no big difference in income
people
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 are happier. In the
last
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 three years, Finland has become the happiest country in the world
due to
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 their system where all
people
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 gain
money
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 equally.
To conclude
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,
however
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, Sporters deserve to earn
money
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, I strongly believe that some other careers are more important and we should encourage
people
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 to opt to pursue these careers in order to nations do not have a lack of employees in those fields.

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task achievement
Ensure that your essay presents a balanced discussion of both viewpoints before stating your opinion clearly in the conclusion. A more developed conclusion might help synthesize the key points from both sides.
coherence and cohesion
Pay attention to the logical flow of your ideas. Make sure each paragraph connects smoothly to the next with appropriate linking words and phrases. Some parts of the essay feel slightly disjointed.
coherence and cohesion
Use more specific and varied vocabulary and sentence structures to enhance the clarity and sophistication of your arguments. For example, consider rephrasing 'sporters' to 'athletes'.
task achievement
Your essay does a good job of introducing the topic and outlining your perspective, which sets a clear direction for your writing.
task achievement
You provided a relevant example of Messi to illustrate your argument about the potential financial benefits of sports for individuals from disadvantaged backgrounds.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial remuneration
  • exceptional
  • merit
  • talent
  • demand
  • entertainment value
  • career span
  • physical demands
  • justified
  • unfair
  • criticism
  • income inequality
  • societal priorities
  • sportsmanship
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