IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

It is important for people to take risks, both in their professional lives and their personal lives. Do you think the advantages of taking risks outweigh the disadvantages? M.A

#people #risks #lives #m
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Today many people believe that making bold decisions is essential for their individual
lives
 ,
as well as
,for their professional
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
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. I think that the advantage of taking responsibility risks exceeds the disadvantages.
Advantage
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The advantage
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 is a person can achieve his goals and ,
success
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succeed
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 in
career
Correct pronoun usage
his career
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.
However
, the disadvantage is he can get red way.
To begin
 with, when humanity is going to take significant risks it’s one of the important things in life
,
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apply
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 because it will influence
for
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apply
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their professional development . But, there are many disadvantages to which they are scared.Because
,
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apply
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maybe there are may not work how they imagine or planned ,
also
 they are stepping out of their comfort zone,
having
Correct word choice
and having
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 financial issues .
For instance
, when the community ,especially young teenagers moves to another country .Of course, it’s uncomfortable to see other cultures ,
to
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and to
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 understand new perspectives. Despite these difficulties, these challenges provide opportunities for growth.
On the other hand
, there are a lot of advantages.Thanks
for
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to
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 all
this
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these
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 problems , treads they will grow, rise for success, opening new opportunities in their
lives
.
For example
, when they move to study abroad, they will value the family’s , native values.
Furthermore
, it’s beneficial for personal
lives
, to understand
the
Correct article usage
apply
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self-discovery,
to
Correct word choice
and to
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 know their abilities. In conclusion,
Correct word choice
apply
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while
 embarrassing challenges are major for both
lives
. Bold decisions will affect
to
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apply
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personal growth, career and success.
In addition
, the ability to overcome difficulties.
Therefore
, making decisions is not only important for professional achievement but
also
 for
Correct article usage
a
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deeper understanding of yourself .
Submitted by akzharkynzhamal on

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coherence cohesion
Try to structure your paragraphs more logically. Ensure each one starts with a clear topic sentence and flows smoothly to the next point, maintaining a consistent thread throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Introduce your essay topic more clearly and rephrase it effectively in the introduction, and link your conclusion back to the points made in the main body for a stronger wrap-up.
task achievement
Work on expanding your main ideas with relevant examples and evidence. Currently, some points are underdeveloped and could benefit from further explanation or real-life examples.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic of risk-taking comprehensively, acknowledging both its advantages and disadvantages.
coherence cohesion
You provide a clear introduction and conclusion that frame your discussion well, indicating a strong awareness of essay structure.
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