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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Discipline is a growing problem in modern schools. Some people think that parents should discipline their own children while others think it should be the responsibility of the government. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#discipline #schools #people #parents #children #responsibility #government
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Many people reckon that
discipline
 is an increasingly pressing issue in modern
schools
,
therefore
this
 responsibility should belong to teachers;
however
, others are more drawn to the idea that teaching
children
 how to behave is the duty of
parents
.
While
 both decisions have equally valid merits, I personally believe it proves better to be punished by teachers rather than by
parents
. Admittedly, there are a number of reasons why young people should gain parent's
discipline
 at home. One of these is that
parents
 have a personal bond with their
children
. As all
students
 have their personal characteristics,
parents
 can understand their emotional triggers and can control them with love and empathy.
For instance
, a child who throws tantrums may need patient communication rather than punishment which only a parent can provide effectively.
This
 is because, at school, teachers might not be aware of
students
' illnesses, ranging from anxiety disorders to depression to PTSD. Young generations,
as a result
, behave without inferior circumstances, leading to the defence of some kinds of serious diseases. As much as I acknowledge the points above, the role of instructors in shaping a child's
discipline
 is undeniable since they spend a significant portion of their time at school. First and foremost, a controlled environment at
schools
 might be one of the most obvious factors for
this
 phenomenon.
This
 is why
schools
 provide a structural setting where
students
 are exposed to clear rules and consequences. These rules, in turn, are treated equally. On top of that, not only might strict control be a factor, but prevented abuse and neglect to
parents
also
 can be the main cause. If some
parents
 utilise extreme or ineffective disciplinary measures, kids might face feelings of stress and frustration against their
parents
. Case in point,
it is clear that
 in Japan the government focuses on
discipline
 which is monitored to prevent harm has led to high levels of respect among
students
 and
parents
.
As a consequence
, abusive
parents
 may feel safer in a school, contributing to preventing their
children
 from being physically and mentally damaged.
To conclude
,
while
 some people are in favour of disciplining
children
 at home with their
parents
, I am of the opinion that it is more advantageous to control young adults at
schools
 since there are more clear rules and strict policies.
Submitted by Writing9 on

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coherence cohesion
To improve logical structure, make sure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and logical flow between ideas. Consider using linking words to connect ideas smoothly.
task achievement
Ensure that each argument is developed equally and consistently. In the first body paragraph, you could elaborate a bit more on the teaching skills of parents.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the discussion.
task achievement
You provided relevant and specific examples, such as the example of Japan, to support your points.
task achievement
You addressed both sides of the argument, satisfying the task requirement.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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