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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Once children start school, teachers have more influences on their intellectual and social development than parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#children #school #teachers #influences #development #parents
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The
role
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 of
teachers
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 in
school
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 is important regarding the intellectual and social
development
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 of the
students
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.
However
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, I argue that
parents
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 still hold a pivotal
role
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 in their
Use synonyms
childern
Correct your spelling
children
 intellectual and social
development
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.
To begin
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 with, it is understandable why
teachers
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have influences
Wrong verb form
influence
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students
Change noun form
students'
student's
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 intellectual and social
development
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. In
school
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,
students
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 tend to look up to the
adults
Fix the agreement mistake
adult
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figure
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 as their
role
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 model and source of knowledge. As a
results
Correct the article-noun agreement
result
show examples
, it cannot be denied that there are lots of cases where
students
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 tend more listen to what the
teachers
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says
Change the verb form
say
show examples
 than the
parents
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.
Thus
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,
teachers
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 have to maintain a good
figure
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 as they likely to
influences
Change the verb form
influence
show examples
 the
student
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students
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,
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otherwise
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otherwise,
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 it will affect the
students
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in
Change preposition
apply
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a
Correct article usage
apply
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negatively.
However
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, I must respectfully disagree as
parents
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 still have more
influences
Fix the agreement mistake
influence
show examples
 on their
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childern
Correct your spelling
children
. The intellectual and social
development
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the
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of the
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 child could
also
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 be enhanced outside of
school
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.
Parents
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 are still responsible
to be
Change preposition
for being
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
perfect
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figure
Fix the agreement mistake
figures
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 to influence their
child
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children
show examples
. The
development
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 of
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childern
Correct your spelling
children
 cannot be
assesed
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assessed
accessed
 only in
school
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,
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instead
Add a comma
instead,
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 social activity and interaction with other people still hold
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 important
role
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.
For instance
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,
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childern
Correct your spelling
children
 will likely
spent
Change the verb form
spend
show examples
 most of their time with their
parents
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 rather with their
teachers
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.
That is
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 where the
figure
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 of
parents
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 is crucial to increase the knowledge and social skills since
parents
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 are the first
teacher
Fix the agreement mistake
teachers
show examples
for
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of
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 their child.
To sum up
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,
teachers
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 hold an important
role
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to influence
Change preposition
in influencing
show examples
 the knowledge and social
development
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 of the
Use synonyms
childern
Correct your spelling
children
 in
school
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.
However
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, the
precense
Correct your spelling
presence
 of
parents
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still
Add a missing verb
is still
show examples
 pivotal
to support
Change preposition
in supporting
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 the
development
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for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their
Use synonyms
childern
Correct your spelling
children
 since
parents
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 are the first
teachers
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for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their
Use synonyms
childern
Correct your spelling
children
.
Submitted by salwaputrihardiyan on

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Task Response
Expand on the main points with more specific examples and details to make the argument more persuasive and comprehensive.
Task Response
Clarify your ideas and express them more precisely to improve the clarity of your response.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure all paragraphs are connected well, as some transitions between ideas could be smoother to enhance the overall flow.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the argument and summarizing the main points.
Coherence and Cohesion
Logical structure with clear differentiation between the roles of teachers and parents, supporting the writer's stance.
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