Some people think governments should care more about elderly while others think they should focus on investing in education for younger people. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
A group of
people
believe that Use synonyms
governments
should prioritize more money on education. Use synonyms
While
Linking Words
,
others think that they should care a whole about older citizens. In Remove the comma
apply
this
essay, I will argue about both perspectives.
Linking Words
To begin
with, many individuals assume that the government should invest in Linking Words
college
or universities for young Fix the agreement mistake
colleges
people
to have enough education. Because they think that it will improve our young Use synonyms
people
’s quality and will provide a vast amount of qualified workforce. Use synonyms
For instance
,Linking Words
a
country named “America”, their Change preposition
in a
governments
allocate lots of money and deliver a variety of scholarships to many young students Use synonyms
those
who can't afford a university's tuition fees. Correct pronoun usage
apply
Hence
, students can continue their education Linking Words
Linking Words
then
, they will join a work after graduation which will bring a balance to the workforce.
Correct word choice
and then
On the other hand
, many Linking Words
people
Use synonyms
considers
that the government should provide much more care to elder individualsChange the verb form
consider
,
because older Remove the comma
apply
people
are weak in physical strength and even many elder Use synonyms
people
can not walk, they need someone else’s help Use synonyms
walk
or buy goods from markets. Fix the infinitive
to walk
For example
, Linking Words
many
older Change preposition
for many
people
Use synonyms
those
who live in China, the government facilitate by providing funding and nurses. Correct pronoun usage
apply
Therefore
, older Linking Words
people
don't struggle to go to the shopping mall or walk around the park, they always Use synonyms
gets
help from maids.
In conclusion, it is always great to think about and care about elder individuals and Change the verb form
get
governments
should be more humble to them. Use synonyms
However
, Linking Words
governments
should Use synonyms
also
distribute a good amount of money to students Linking Words
those
cannot afford a college which will serve a nation with a balance of workforce.Correct pronoun usage
who
Submitted by AL NURE FOYZUR REZA SUPRIO on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
task achievement
Consider including more specific examples and data to support your arguments. For instance, providing specific statistics or quotes from experts would help enhance your examples.
coherence cohesion
There are a few grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. Review sentences for accuracy and fluency, and attempt to use a wider range of grammatical structures.
task achievement
Each main idea should be expanded with more supporting details and explanations to make your argument more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Your essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps guide the reader through the argument.
task achievement
You have addressed both views of the argument adequately, showing balanced consideration.
task achievement
The essay touches on relevant social issues relating to education and elderly care, which are pertinent today.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.
‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.
Examples:
I really want to study but I’m too tired.
I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.
If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.