IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think governments should care more about elderly while others think they should focus on investing in education for younger students. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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A group of
people
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 believe that
governments
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 should prioritize more
money
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 on
education
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.
While
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,
Remove the comma
apply
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 others think that they should
care
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 a whole about older citizens. In
this
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 essay, I will argue about both perspectives, why
people
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care
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 about older citizens
as well as
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 why many
people
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 consider that a sum amount of
money
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 should be invested
on
Change preposition
in
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 the
education
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 system.
To begin
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 with, many individuals assume that the government should invest in
college
Fix the agreement mistake
colleges
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 or universities. Because they think that it will improve our
education
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 system and will provide a vast amount of qualified workforce.
For instance
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,
a
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in a
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country named America, their
governments
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 allocate lots of
money
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 and deliver a variety of scholarships to many poor students
those
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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who can't afford a university's tuition fees.
Hence
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, students can continue their
education
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thereafter
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, they will join a work after graduation which will bring a balance to the workforce.
On the other hand
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, many
people
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considers
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consider
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 that the government should provide much more
care
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 to elder individuals
,
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apply
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 because older
people
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 are weak in physical strength and even many elder
people
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 can not walk, they need someone else’s help
walk
Fix the infinitive
to walk
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 or buy goods from markets.
For example
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,
many
Change preposition
for many
show examples
 older
people
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those
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
who live in China, the government facilitate by providing funding and nurses.
Therefore
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, older
people
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 don't struggle to go to the shopping mall or walk around the park, they always
gets
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get
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 help from maids. In conclusion, it is always great to think about and
care
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 about elder individuals and
governments
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 should be more humble to them.
However
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,
governments
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 should
also
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 distribute a good amount of
money
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 to students
those
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 cannot afford a college which will serve a nation with a balance of workforce.

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task achievement
Try to further elaborate on your discussion of both views to ensure a more complete response. Delving deeper into each viewpoint would strengthen your argumentation.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next. Using cohesive devices like 'furthermore', 'moreover', or 'on the other hand' can enhance structure.
task achievement
Provide more relevant, specific examples to support your points. The essay could benefit from varied examples beyond those provided.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively presents your arguments.
task achievement
You provided examples to illustrate your points, aiding in the reader's understanding.
task achievement
The essay covers both viewpoints as required by the prompt, which is commendable for task achievement.
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