IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think reading stories in books is better than watching TV or playing computer games for childre. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #stories #books #tv #computer #games #childre
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Few
community
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communities
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priortise
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prioritise
 reading stories in
books
 which can lead to better
outcome
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outcomes
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 rather than streaming games or
binge watching
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binge-watching
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 TV for
children
. I concur with the viewpoint that retaining knowledge from
books
 is a finer choice. It has some great benefits including
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an increase
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increase
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increased
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 amount of
children
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children's
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 cognitive abilities and excellent academic results. A toddler who
develop
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develops
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 the habit of going through
books
 indeed
produce
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produces
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 a great combination of intellectual abilities and
prove
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proves
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 to provide a great academic result.
Although
 with better
mind
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minds
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,
children
 are able to analyze
situtation quikly
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situations quickly
 and can solve any problem easily. It is
becasue
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because
 their focus is far too high after reading
ample
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an ample
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 amount of
books
 and they can provide you with the solution for everything.In 2010
a
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apply
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research was conducted by Harvard in which they figured out
children
 who are keen to learn from
books
 have a
high
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higher
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 level of intelligence
besides
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than
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,
children
 who do not. Since we have been having these
children
so
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apply
show examples
I highly recommend special teaching programs for them.Though they are just younglings
but
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apply
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fostering their minds with care and expertise is a lot necessary.
This
 new era we are living in has converted everything to be used on the screens.Every toddler
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apply
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although
, including juveniles
are
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apply
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spending
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spends
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 most of their time playing video games or watching platforms
for
Add the comma(s)
, for
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 example, Netflix, Instagram and
Youtube
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YouTube
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.Because of
this
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this,
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 it
had
Wrong verb form
has
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 been proved by
the
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apply
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doctors that a lot of
screen-time effects
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screen time affects
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 the size of
brain
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the brain
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 and no one
take
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takes
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 action on
this
. To summarise
this
 essay I am sure that kids who obtain knowledge from
the
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apply
show examples
books
 are getting ahead
alot
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a lot
 in the race of life.Parents must make sure to take care of them, as they are
natural born
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natural-born
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 leaders.
While
 I
also
 make a request to parents
for limiting
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to limit
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 the
screen-time
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screen time
show examples
 of their kids. It is for their own good.
Submitted by umarilyas121 on

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coherence cohesion
To improve, ensure all arguments are clearly connected with appropriate linking words. Some sentences seem disconnected or abrupt, which can hinder the flow of the essay.
task achievement
Develop more specific examples or case studies to support your arguments. Instead of general statements, try to include detailed illustrations or statistics.
task achievement
Make sure to address counterarguments or alternate viewpoints to provide a balanced perspective. This can enhance your task achievement score.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clearly present, setting up the essay and summarizing the main points effectively.
task achievement
There is a clear stance presented, siding with reading books as a better option, which helps fulfill the task response criteria.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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