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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The line graph shows male and female gym membership over a thirty-year period. The vertical axis represents the number of members in units of 1000. The horizontal axis represents the period from 1980 to 2010

The line graph shows male and female gym membership over a thirty-year period. The vertical axis represents the number of members in units of 1000. The horizontal axis represents the period from 1980 to 2010
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The graph illustrates the number of gym
membership
Fix the agreement mistake
memberships
show examples
 by
genders
Fix the agreement mistake
gender
show examples
in
Change preposition
from
show examples
 1980 to 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
,
men
Use synonyms
applied
Correct pronoun usage
who applied
show examples
member
Replace the word
for membership
show examples
 in
gym
Add an article
the gym
show examples
had
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
fluctuated from 1980 and
dip
Verb problem
apply
show examples
fall
Replace the word
fell
show examples
 30
years
Use synonyms
 later. Meanwhile, women had the same shifted line but
in
Change the preposition
at
show examples
 the end of
Add an article
the period
show examples
period
Add a comma
period,
show examples
 they
have
Wrong verb form
had
show examples
 more numbers than
men
Use synonyms
. Looking at the
men
Use synonyms
's line, in 1980 the number of
subscription
Fix the agreement mistake
subscriptions
show examples
 stood at 2000 people and briefly rose in 5
years
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 2000 more people.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the amount
had
Verb problem
apply
show examples
slighly
Correct your spelling
slightly
fall
Replace the word
fell
show examples
 until
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
1990 and
next
Correct article usage
the next
show examples
 five
years
Use synonyms
 dramatically decreased and remained until
end
Add an article
the end
show examples
 of
90's
Correct article usage
the 90's
show examples
. In
early
Correct article usage
the early
show examples
 20's,
Use synonyms
men
Change noun form
men's
show examples
 membership grew and reached
peak
Add an article
a peak
the peak
show examples
 at 5000 people, and plunged to less than 1000
members
Use synonyms
. Moving to the other sex, it started with only 1000
members
Use synonyms
 in 1980 and gradually increased for 10
years
Use synonyms
 and received approximately 3000
members
Use synonyms
. The
members
Use synonyms
 generally upwards
in
Change preposition
from
show examples
 2000 to 2005 and slowly
dip
Wrong verb form
dipped
show examples
 to halved of
Use synonyms
men
Correct your spelling
male
show examples
member
Fix the agreement mistake
members
show examples
 in 2010.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words men, years, members with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "dip" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "fall" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Line graph
  • Vertical axis
  • Horizontal axis
  • Gym membership
  • Male and female
  • Trends
  • Increase / Decrease
  • Peak / Drop
  • Comparison
  • Equality / Inequality
  • Period / Time-frame
  • Cultural shifts
  • Health awareness
  • Economic factors
  • Target market
  • Marketing strategies
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