IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart shows the percentage of adult male smokers in seven countries along with the world average in 2000 and 2015. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart shows the percentage of adult male smokers in seven countries along with the world average in 2000 and 2015. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.
#bar #percentage #adult #smokers #seven #countries #world #summarise #information #features #comparisons
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The bar chart illustrates the percentage of average adult male
smokers
 in seven countries
along with
 the world average in 2000 and 2015. In general, Armenia become the
highest
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
country
 with male
smokers
 over the years,
while
 Australia become the least.
n
Correct your spelling
In
 2000, over 40% male population in the world are smoking. Armenia became the
country
 with the most male
smokers
 with over 50%
smokers
. Bangladesh and Cuba
following
Wrong verb form
followed
show examples
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the next position with over 50% people.
In contrast
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
male
smokers
 in
country
Fix the agreement mistake
countries
show examples
 like Egypt, Lebanon, Mexico and Australia remained under 40% of
its
Change the word
the
show examples
 male population
However
, in 2015 the number of male
smokers
decrease
Wrong verb form
decreased
show examples
 in many
country
Change to a plural noun
countries
show examples
,
as a result
 the average
male
Correct quantifier usage
number of male
show examples
smokers
 in 2015
decline
Wrong verb form
declined
show examples
 to around 30%.
Similarly
, male
smokers
 in Armenia, Bangladesh, Mexico and Australia
also
 decline significantly around 5% to 15%.
Nevertheless
, in Egypt and
Lebanon
Add a comma
Lebanon,
show examples
 the number rose to over 40%,
whereas
 male
smokers
 in Cuba remained stable with only a slight decrease.
Submitted by salwaputrihardiyan on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 92%.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words smokers, country with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "decline" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "decrease" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "remained" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • bar chart, percentage, adult male smokers
  • world average, increased, decreased
  • tobacco consumption, lung cancer
  • public health, awareness campaigns
  • government policy, smoking bans
  • health risks, nicotine, tobacco industry
  • chart analysis, data comparison
  • statistical trend, significant fluctuation
  • stagnation, steady rise, moderate fall
What to do next:
Look at other essays: