IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people believe that in order to reduce the rising obesity among children the school administration should make it necessary for every child to participate in sports and other outdoor activities. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #obesity #children #school #administration #child #sports #activities
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In order to control the
increase
Replace the word
increased
show examples
 levels of unhealthy children, it is important for
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 to make sure that they make sure physical activities are being practiced by children
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
. As a matter of
fact
Add a comma
fact,
show examples
 I totally agree with
idea
Add an article
the idea
show examples
. Obviously, kids these days are not paying attention to their physical health any more.
Firstly
Linking Words
, in
this
Linking Words
 modern
time
Add a comma
time,
show examples
 every single child loves to eat junk
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
show examples
 and it makes them
over-weight
Correct your spelling
overweight
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, they are having KFC ,
Dominos
Fix the agreement mistake
Domino
show examples
,
Brim
Correct word choice
and Brim
show examples
instead
Linking Words
 of
home prepared
Add a hyphen
home-prepared
show examples
 meals.
Apart from
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
, they no longer perform
anykind
Correct your spelling
any kind
 of physical games because they are spending more time
over
Change preposition
on
show examples
 screens;
for instance
Linking Words
, they can spend an entire day
to play
Change the verb form
playing
show examples
 games on
Playstaion
Correct your spelling
PlayStation
 and
binge watch
Add a hyphen
binge-watch
show examples
 shows on Netflix all night. For all I know,
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 school administration must make it compulsory for all younglings to spend one hour on their health.
Though as
Correct word choice
As
show examples
 children
will
Verb problem
apply
show examples
start losing weight ,
Linking Words
along with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
they will get some time to relax their minds , and there will be
increase
Add an article
an increase
show examples
 in their cognitive skills.
Therefore
Linking Words
 , they are going to show better academic results as well. In conclusion, I concur with the
view point
Correct your spelling
viewpoint
show examples
 that
school
Correct article usage
the school
show examples
 system is responsible
to make
Change preposition
for making
show examples
 our young generation physically in shape and teach them to eat healthy foods.
However
Linking Words
, a newly designed gymnastic area must be constructed , so everyone can do all sorts of exercises.
Submitted by umarilyas121 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: