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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The lines graphs shows the percentage of households with electrical appliences in 1920 to 2019 and the number of houseworke per week. Summarize na dmake comparison where relavent.

The lines graphs shows the percentage of households with electrical appliences in 1920 to 2019 and the number of houseworke per week. Summarize na dmake comparison where relavent.
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The given two lines charts illustrate the percentage of
households
Use synonyms
 with electrical items, and the number of housework per week from 1920 to 2019.
Overall
Linking Words
, the
usage
Use synonyms
 of electrical products experienced an upward trend
while
Linking Words
 the number of
hours
Use synonyms
 of housework experienced a decline. In 1920, around 40% of
households
Use synonyms
 used washing
Use synonyms
machine
Fix the agreement mistake
machines
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while
Linking Words
 approximately 30% and 1% of
households
Use synonyms
 used
vaccuum
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vacuum
cleaner
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cleaners
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 and
refrigerator
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refrigerators
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 respectively. In 1940, all electronic
appliences
Correct your spelling
appliances
appliance
usage
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 increased and approximately 60% of houses used washing
Use synonyms
machine
Fix the agreement mistake
machines
show examples
 and the
usage
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 of
refrigerator
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refrigerators
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 sharply increased to around 55%.
Similarly
Linking Words
, the
usage
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 of vacuum
cleaner
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cleaners
show examples
 rose to approximately 50%.
While
Linking Words
 in 1980, around 100%
Use synonyms
households
Change preposition
of households
show examples
 started using
regrigarator
Correct your spelling
refrigerator
, the 100%
usage
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 of
vaccuum
Correct your spelling
vacuum
cleaner
Fix the agreement mistake
cleaners
show examples
 started in 2000. The
usage
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 of washing
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machine
Fix the agreement mistake
machines
show examples
 was significantly lower than two other
appliences
Correct your spelling
appliances
, and in 2019, only 75% of
households
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 used washing
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machine
Fix the agreement mistake
machines
show examples
. Meanwhile, from 1920 to 1980, the number of household work experienced a sharp decline from around 50
hours
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 to roughly 20
hours
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.
Then
Linking Words
, it again declined steadily and reached around 10
hours
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 per week in 2019.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words households, usage, hours, machine with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decline" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "approximately" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 5 times.
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