IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe teenagers should focus on all subjects equally, whereas other people think that they should concentrate on only those subjects that they find interesting. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Following the course of
time
Use synonyms
,
education
Use synonyms
 itself has witnessed numerous
changes
Use synonyms
 to
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 system in order to maintain compatibility with a constantly developing
society
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, a debate has come to be as some people
are in
Verb problem
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
belief
Replace the word
believe
show examples
 that
students
Use synonyms
 ought to evenly distribute their
time
Use synonyms
 to all
subjects
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 others recommend concentrating on preferred
subjects
Use synonyms
. The following essay will discuss both views before my opinion is stated. The
approach
Use synonyms
 of focusing on every subject in the
curriculum
Use synonyms
 provides a sustainable academic path. Evenly investing their
time
Use synonyms
 into all
subjects
Use synonyms
 enables a
student
Use synonyms
 to have a better grasp of every subject’s
knowledge
Use synonyms
 in order to have a higher variety of career options.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
approach
Use synonyms
 allows sustainability, ensuring a
student
Use synonyms
 can have stronger
knowledge
Use synonyms
 foundations
while
Linking Words
 bettering their understanding and preference of
subjects
Use synonyms
 for improved insights into their future choices.
Finally
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 gives
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
students
Use synonyms
 more methods for assessment in university enrollment.
For instance
Linking Words
, the previous
education
Use synonyms
 system in Vietnam had an all-compassing
curriculum
Use synonyms
, having
students
Use synonyms
study
Use synonyms
 all
subjects
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 previous
approach
Use synonyms
 benefitted many
students
Use synonyms
, allowing them to
have
Verb problem
make
show examples
 more diverse decisions in their
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
while
Linking Words
 ensuring they have sufficient
knowledge
Use synonyms
 to better assist them in making a decision. All in all, focusing evenly on all
subjects
Use synonyms
 provides stability in a
student
Use synonyms
’s academic path
while
Linking Words
 allowing a more diverse series of admission forms. Meanwhile, the concentration on individually preferred
subjects
Use synonyms
 allows
students
Use synonyms
 to optimize their studies for higher performance. When permitting
students
Use synonyms
 to
study
Use synonyms
subjects
Use synonyms
 that they only want to, a positive mindset to
education
Use synonyms
 for a
student
Use synonyms
 is formed as they are able to invest
further
Linking Words
 into
subjects
Use synonyms
 they enjoy.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 could enhance their
overall
Linking Words
 grades with the accentuation of performance to ensure they have better opportunities
of entering
Change preposition
to enter
show examples
 their desired universities and courses. More importantly,
this
Linking Words
 eliminates the pressure of studying for unwanted
subjects
Use synonyms
, be that
subjects
Use synonyms
 they perform poorly at and
overall
Linking Words
 optimizes the
time
Use synonyms
 spent
into
Change preposition
apply
show examples
studying. Observing recent
changes
Use synonyms
 in Vietnam’s
education
Use synonyms
 system, it is noticeable that
students
Use synonyms
 are now allowed to customize their very own
curriculum
Use synonyms
 with the freedom to eliminate any
subjects
Use synonyms
 they do not wish to
study
Use synonyms
. These
changes
Use synonyms
 have provided positive results as
students
Use synonyms
 now have more
time
Use synonyms
 to
study
Use synonyms
subjects
Use synonyms
 they enjoy,
therefore
Linking Words
 improving their grades and
knowledges
Change the wording
knowledge
pieces of knowledge
bits of knowledge
show examples
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the fixed syllabus.
Overall
Linking Words
, letting
students
Use synonyms
 concentrate on
subjects
Use synonyms
 they find interesting will optimize their
study
Use synonyms
time
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 producing positive outcomes with these
changes
Use synonyms
. Personally, I
am in
Verb problem
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
belief
Replace the word
believe
show examples
 that the latter option is more compatible
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the current
society
Use synonyms
. It is evident that the amount of
knowledge
Use synonyms
students
Use synonyms
 learn
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 much more advanced with a bigger load in accordance
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the rapid advancement of
society
Use synonyms
,
As a result
Linking Words
, studying every subject would potentially overload a
student
Use synonyms
, leading to emotional distress and diminished efficiency.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I support the
approach
Use synonyms
 of allowing personalization in a syllabus to improve grades and the learning experience.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the issue of lacking diversity in options can be handled by letting
students
Use synonyms
 have a clear orientation of what they wish to pursue and follow that fixed path to maintain stability and sustainability. In conclusion, both approaches to
education
Use synonyms
 have merits unique to their very own nature.
However
Linking Words
, I personally support the customization of a
curriculum
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
 its suitability to the nature of a
society
Use synonyms
that is
Linking Words
 moving apace
while
Linking Words
 ensuring a sufficient learning experience beneficial to the
students
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 compatible with today’s demands.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

language accuracy
Ensure consistency in singular/plural forms and pronouns ('education itself has witnessed numerous changes to their system' should be 'its system').
coherence and cohesion
While the essay is well-structured, the transitions between paragraphs can be a little more fluid for improved cohesion.
structure
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame the discussion and the author's viewpoint.
task response
Each viewpoint is well-supported with relevant examples, adding depth to the argument.
task response
Demonstrates a good understanding of the task, addressing both views and providing a well-reasoned personal opinion.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • holistic development
  • interdisciplinary
  • well-rounded knowledge
  • specialized skills
  • passion-driven learning
  • unforeseen future demands
  • balanced approach
  • academic strengths
  • diversified education
  • curriculum breadth
  • specialization
  • career prospects
  • personal development
  • cognitive flexibility
  • adaptability
What to do next:
Look at other essays: