IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Nowadays young people spend too much of their free time in shopping malls. Some people fear that this may have negative effects on young people and the society they live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #time #malls #fear #effects #society
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It is concerned by some
people
 that young
people
 spend too much of their leisure time going shopping which might have a negative impact on other teenagers and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
also
. In my opinion,
this
 idea is totally wrong and the reason why shall be explained in
this
 essay. First of all, it is vital to assert that young
people
 go shopping so much
lead
Fix the agreement mistake
leads
show examples
 to serious wasting money.
For instance
, youngsters could be stimulated to buy more new items which they have not used yet. Actually, they may purchase some new things to update trends that are similar to their idol on social media,
while
 a lot of
people
 cannot buy demand items.
Moreover
, the consuming companies utilized that trend in order to create products that are easy to be outdated,
same
Correct word choice
such
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 as clothes which are vulnerable after once use,
Correct word choice
and technologic
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technologic
Replace the word
technological
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 equipment is overloaded
due to
 updating the new
application
Fix the agreement mistake
applications
show examples
.
Besides
, the government might have to
get
Verb problem
find
show examples
 methods to solve trash made from waste items.
On the other hand
, financial problems may increase for either youngsters or nations because of overwhelming credit payments. In a bad way, lifestyles that
expend
Correct your spelling
expand
show examples
 out of control before balancing living costs generated massive loans for individuals and nations. In conclusion, each youngster
Change the verb form
needs
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need
Add the particle
need to
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 consider
using
Verb problem
spending
show examples
 time on shopping in the best way,
besides
 government should impact
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their behaviours to obtain a sustainable improvement of the nation.
As a result
, I am
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
opinion
Correct article usage
the opinion
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of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that it
finds
Verb problem
is
show examples
 easy to receive negative influence when youngster spends a lot of free time
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 shopping malls.
Submitted by caivankihh779 on

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task achievement
Ensure your essay fully addresses all parts of the task, providing a comprehensive response to the question. Although your essay responds to the task, it could be further developed with clearer arguments and examples.
coherence cohesion
Improve logical order by organizing ideas more clearly and effectively. Your essay presents ideas but the argument's structure could benefit from clearer delineation and transitions.
task achievement
Use more specific examples to support your points. Examples should be clear and directly related to the points you're making to reinforce your argument effectively.
coherence cohesion
Your essay includes an introduction and conclusion, contributing to a well-rounded structure.
task achievement
You address concerns around shopping malls and the impact on young people and society directly, showing good task understanding.
coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a good attempt at organizing related ideas into coherent paragraphs.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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