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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

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It is generally believed that more elderly humans in some
countries
Use synonyms
 have some merits for the
government
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.
However
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, some communities agree that the old population will give some demerits to the governments. I think there are some advantages to having more old populations in some
countries
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 for the following reasons. On the one hand, some developing
countries
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 face the challenging issues of elderly
people
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.
Firstly
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, old communities put a burden on the
government
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.
Moreover
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 for the old
people
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 who do not have enough competence to work in a
company
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, but have some illness and they do not have an
income
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.
This
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 would become a serious problem for the
government
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 because they might give the older communities an assurance for paying the health services.
Secondly
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, some
companies
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 which have many competent old employees would not give a chance for young
people
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 to sit in the older employees.
Furthermore
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, the
companies
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 feel hesitant, the younger would give the worse performance, and they do not want to lose the best performance and increase the
income
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 of the
companies
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.
On the other hand
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, I believe when a country has older
people
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, they will gain some benefits. The
companies
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 in some
countries
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 would have more sources of labour,
although
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 the
government
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 should publish the policy to make the wider range and restrict the age of labourers.
This
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also
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 makes the
government
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 decrease their expenses to give insurance for older
people
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 because they have
income
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 which can pay the hospital if they have some health problems.
Moreover
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, if some
countries
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 have many labour, they could help the
countries
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 to increase their
income
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.
For instance
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, many labourers would allow the
company
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 to expand its industry become wider.
As a result
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, the
company
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 must pay the tax and the country would gain more
income
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.
To sum up
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,
besides
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 older
people
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 putting some burden on the
countries
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 and making the
company
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 restrict the young
people
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, I believe the merits of ageing populations in some
countries
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 outweigh the demerits
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because they help the
countries
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 increase their
income
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.

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task achievement
Improve the clarity of your ideas by using more specific language and examples. This will help convey your arguments more effectively.
task achievement
Try to address both sides of the argument more equally. Consider developing the disadvantages in more detail to provide a balanced view that aligns more closely with the essay prompt.
coherence cohesion
Work on the logical flow between paragraphs and within paragraphs to enhance the coherence in your writing. This will make your essay easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames your essay well and directs the reader towards your main argument.
task achievement
The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position on the benefits and drawbacks of an ageing population.
coherence cohesion
You provide logical structure in your discussion by presenting both sides before concluding on your own viewpoint.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
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