IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

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Nowadays, the residents of many nations have a huge amount of young
people
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 in comparison to elder
people
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.
This
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 structure presents both advantages and disadvantages.
However
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, I strongly believe the benefits outweigh the drawbacks for the reasons described below. One major advantage of having a large number of young
people
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 is
the
Correct article usage
apply
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economic growth
,
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apply
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 because young adults can work
long
Rephrase
longer
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 and harder than older
people
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 and that will balance a
country
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's workforce.
For instance
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,
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country
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the country
a country
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 named the "United States",
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 a vast amount of skilled young
individuals
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, because
of
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apply
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that
country
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's business growing faster than other countries. The main reason is young
people
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 in that
country
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 can work more efficiently than elder
people
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 because of that one reason the mentioned
country
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 increasing
economical
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economic
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 growth for young
people
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. Despite these benefits, there are many challenges
due to
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 younger
people
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more
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being more
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 focused on modern
cultures
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 rather than traditional
cultures
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,
because
Correct word choice
and because
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 of that traditional
cultures
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 are disappearing from many countries. Older
people
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knows
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know
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 about traditions, if older
individuals
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 not
working
Wrong verb form
work
show examples
 on their
tradition
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traditions
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 the result could lead disappearance of many traditional
work
Fix the agreement mistake
works
show examples
.
For example
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, There was a city called "Mymensingh",
few
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a few
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 decades ago many
individuals
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involved
Add a missing verb
were involved
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 in crafting
hand made
Correct your spelling
handmade
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hat
Fix the agreement mistake
hats
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, but now when they become older citizens and because of
advancement
Correct article usage
the advancement
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 of technology and youth interest the tradition has been lost
very
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a very
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 long time ago. In conclusion, these days, some countries have a larger proportion of youth.
While
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, elderly
people
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 are less in proportion, because of that many traditions
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 gone forever.
Nevertheless
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, young
people
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bringing
Wrong verb form
bring
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
economic growth and if older
individuals
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 teach younger
people
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 how to maintain and balance traditional
cultures
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 and modern
cultures
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then
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,
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
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 of youth
doesn't
Correct subject-verb agreement
don't
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 outweigh
disadvantages
Correct article usage
the disadvantages
show examples
.

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coherence and cohesion
Consider varying sentence structures to enhance the flow of ideas and avoid repetition.
task achievement
Ensure all examples clarify and directly support the point being discussed.
introduction conclusion present
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, summarizing the main ideas effectively.
supported main points
Main points are supported by examples, making arguments more convincing.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • innovation
  • skilled labor
  • social development
  • technology
  • dividend
  • competition
  • resources
  • social welfare
  • unrest
  • instability
  • healthcare
  • elderly care
What to do next:
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