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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below shows figures for attendances at hospital emergency care departments in Northern Ireland by age group in December 2016 and December 2017. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The chart below shows figures for attendances at hospital emergency care departments in Northern Ireland by age group in December 2016 and December 2017. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#figures #attendances #emergency #care #departments #ireland #age #group #december #information #features #comparisons
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The bar chart illustrates different age groups who
attend
Wrong verb form
attended
show examples
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
hospital emergency care departments in the north of Ireland in one year.
Acursory
Correct your spelling
A cursory
 glance at the graph is enough to make
it
Linking Words
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
clear that, Children
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
under five and elderly
people
Use synonyms
 from 75 and over
was
Verb problem
have
show examples
 the highest
number
Use synonyms
 among others.
While
Linking Words
 the lowest figure was
Correct article usage
the aged
show examples
aged
Replace the word
age
show examples
 group from 5 until 15.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, there were around 45
Use synonyms
thousands
Fix the agreement mistake
thousand
show examples
 of children below 5 years
went
Correct pronoun usage
who went
show examples
 to
hospital
Add an article
the hospital
a hospital
show examples
 in 2016. In 2017, the percentage increased
at
Change preposition
to
show examples
 almost 48.000.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the
number
Use synonyms
 of old
people
Use synonyms
 who visited
hospital
Add an article
the hospital
a hospital
show examples
 in 2016
approximately
Add a missing verb
was approximately
show examples
 62
Use synonyms
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
.
Then
Linking Words
 the
number
Use synonyms
 climbed and reached a peak
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 2017
by
Change preposition
of
show examples
around 64
Use synonyms
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
. The
figure
Fix the agreement mistake
figures
show examples
 of
aged
Add an article
the aged
an aged
show examples
 group(5-15) who went
at
Change preposition
to
show examples
 hospital in 2016 and 2017 were almost the same more than 20
Use synonyms
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
.
In addition
Linking Words
, the
number
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 between 45 and 64 years old
attend at
Wrong verb form
attending
show examples
hospital
Fix the agreement mistake
hospitals
show examples
 was nearly 24
Use synonyms
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
. After that, the
number
Use synonyms
 grew slightly to exactly 26
Use synonyms
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
. The
Use synonyms
people
Correct quantifier usage
number of people
show examples
 from 65 to 74 years old who visited
Add an article
the hospital
a hospital
show examples
hospital
Fix the agreement mistake
hospitals
show examples
 in 2016 were just 25
Use synonyms
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
,
then
Linking Words
 rising slowly to 26
Use synonyms
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the proportion of kids from 5 to 15
visited
Correct pronoun usage
who visited
show examples
Correct article usage
the hospital
show examples
hospital
Fix the agreement mistake
hospitals
show examples
 in 2016
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 only 20
Use synonyms
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
. In 2017, the
number
Use synonyms
 increased slightly to 22
Use synonyms
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
.
Submitted by mrym05411 on

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Vocabulary: Replace the words people, number, thousands with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 2 times.
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