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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below show the percentages of men and women aged 60-64 in employment in four countries in 1970 and 2000

The charts below show the percentages of men and women aged 60-64 in employment in four countries in 1970 and 2000
#show #percentages #men #women #employment #four #countries
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The bar chart illustrates the proportion of
both
Use synonyms
 working
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
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 and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
in
Change preposition
aged
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age
Use synonyms
 between 60-
64
Correct word choice
and 64
show examples
 in Australia,
Japan
Use synonyms
,
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
 and
Belgium
Use synonyms
. The years under consideration are 1970 and 2000.
Overall
Linking Words
,
ratio
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the ratio
a ratio
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 of male employment in their old
age
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 was higher in
Japan
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 as compared with other countries in
both
Use synonyms
 given years.
While
Linking Words
 employment ratio in women in their old
age
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 was lower in all four countries as compared with
male
Correct article usage
the male
show examples
 working percentage and was negligible in
Belgium
Use synonyms
.
Percentage
Correct article usage
The percentage
show examples
 of
men
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 aged 60-64 in employment is higher in
Japan
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 in
both
Use synonyms
2000
Correct article usage
the 2000
show examples
 and 1970 years which was 76% and 84%. In 1970, 79% of
men
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 were doing
job
Correct article usage
a job
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 in their late 60s in
Belgium
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, and
this
Linking Words
 percentage experienced
dramatic
Correct article usage
a dramatic
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drecrease
Correct your spelling
decrease
decreases
 to 19% in
year
Change the article
the year
show examples
 2000 in
Belgiumwhich
Correct your spelling
Belgium which
 was lower than in any other country. In Australia 74% of
men
Use synonyms
 were working in 1970, followed by the USA, 73%.
However
Linking Words
, the working ratio of women in their 60-64 was
all
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
time
Fix the agreement mistake
times
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 lower than
men
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 and was insignificant in
Belgium
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 in
both
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 1970 and 2000 which is 8% and 7%. In
Japan
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, 43%
Change preposition
of womens
show examples
womens
Correct your spelling
women
show examples
 in 1970 and 40%
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of womens
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womens
Correct your spelling
women
show examples
 in 2000 were doing
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 in their late
age
Use synonyms
, which was the highest among
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 four countries.
Submitted by arshdeepkaur375 on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words both, age, japan, belgium, men with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "compared" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "ratio" was used 3 times.
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