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Writing Samples
Band 5

In many countreis, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

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There is an ongoing discourse about whether an increase
elderly
Change preposition
in elderly
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people
Use synonyms
had
Wrong verb form
has
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 advantages or not. Some argue that an
increase
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increased
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 number of aging population poses risks for
government
Correct article usage
the government
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.
However
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, I firmly believe that more
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 bring several benefits
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
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 society. In
this
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 essay, I will examine
Correct article usage
the advantage
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advantage
Fix the agreement mistake
advantages
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 sides in the forthcoming paragraphs.
To begin
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 with, an
increase
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increased
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 number of aging population offers
with
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apply
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opportunities to broaden perspectives. With
advancement
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the advancement
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 of technology, the world has changed rapidly ever before.
However
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, the essence of life wisdom
such
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 as building empathy
each
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for each
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 other is always
need
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needed
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for
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to
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 make
better
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a better
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 society.
According to
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 recent research by McKinsey & Company, the executive business owner tends to prefer employing elderly
people
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 compared to younger generations. Since communication skills among not only peers but
also
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 executives
clients
Correct word choice
and clients
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.
While
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younger
Add an article
the younger
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 generation
has lack
Wrong verb form
lacks
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 experience
of
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in
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 living life, elderly
people
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 are likely to have
know-how
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the know-how
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 to overcome these issues.
Furthermore
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, spending time with
aging
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ageing
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 enables individuals to relieve stress and enhance mental well-being. In today’s global era, there are many
people
Use synonyms
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
from diverse backgrounds.
This
Linking Words
 may face communication barriers and feelings of isolation.
However
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, elderly
people
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, with their experience and understanding, can act as
mentor
Fix the agreement mistake
mentors
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, leading to fostering meaningful interaction.
For example
Linking Words
, intergenerational programs where young
people
Use synonyms
 engage with elderly mentors have shown significant psychological benefits. In conclusion,
wile
Correct your spelling
while
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 an
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
 population may pose challenges for governments the benefits it
bring
Change the verb form
brings
show examples
 to society. By recognizing and expanding these strengths, societies can create a harmonious environment for all generations.

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coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Consider using more transition words or phrases to connect your ideas effectively.
task achievement
Focus on detailing your ideas further and ensure they are comprehensive. Each idea should be thoroughly explored.
task achievement
Although examples are provided, consider making them more detailed and relevant, to support your arguments more robustly.
coherence cohesion
You have presented a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
You've included specific examples, like the McKinsey & Company research and intergenerational programs, which add weight to your arguments.
task achievement
The essay covers both advantages and potential disadvantages, acknowledging the complexity of the issue.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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