IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Children are the future of our society and because of that many believe that they should be raised in competitive surroundings in order to be better citizens.
While
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 others are of the opinion that they should be taught to be a good team member rather than competing with each other. Both views
as well as
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 my stance on
this
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 matter are discussed in the
further
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 paragraphs. The children's rivalry behaviour could have several benefits in society. The predominant cause is it can foster developments and advancements in many aspects of our society. Not only
this
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 will help them exceed their boundaries but
also
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 provide them with their Ikigai.
For example
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, students competing in a science fair will always try to learn, adapt and apply new things to make their project stand out.
Besides
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 that, they will
also
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 get a sense of urgency to learn and explore more of the real world. Perhaps, teaching cooperative behaviour has many positive outcomes. The primary reason is it will serve as a helping hand to others in an indeed need. As in our daily life, nobody is perfect and
due to
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 that, we rely on others to fulfil our needs. On top of that,
this
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 type of nature helps youth to learn the importance of teamwork. Imagine a student who participated in a singing competition with an exceptional singing skill, but does not know how to write a song.
Then
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 student who has better songwriting skills could help the participant write a good song.
To conclude
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 and provide my opinion on the matter of raising young people with either a competitive or cooperative nature, in my perspective their upbringing should be done both in ways but they should
also
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 be taught about the clear boundaries of both.

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task achievement
Provide more detailed examples to illustrate points. For example, instead of stating generally that competition can foster developments, include a specific example or scenario that clearly shows this outcome.
task achievement
Consider elaborating more on how both competitive and cooperative skills can be integrated in teaching methodologies, providing some examples or recommendations.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your main points are thoroughly supported with explanations or examples. Some points feel underdeveloped and could benefit from further elaboration.
coherence cohesion
Improve transitions between paragraphs to enhance flow and readability. Some ideas seem abruptly introduced, which could be smoothed with better linking phrases.
task achievement
The essay effectively discusses both viewpoints, demonstrating a balanced approach to the topic.
coherence cohesion
The introduction sets up the discussion effectively, and the conclusion sums up the ideas and offers a personal opinion.
coherence cohesion
The essay contains a clear and logical structure with separate paragraphs dedicated to each viewpoint and the conclusion.
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