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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below shows what UK graduate and postgraduate students who did not go into full-time work did after leaving college in 2008.

The chart below shows what UK graduate and postgraduate students who did not go into full-time work did after leaving college in 2008.
#uk #graduate #students #work #college
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The charts provide data about amount of UK
students
Use synonyms
 who are graduate and postgraduate and
works
Correct subject-verb agreement
work
show examples
 in all types of
work
Use synonyms
exclude
Wrong verb form
excluding
show examples
 full-time
work
Use synonyms
 after
finished
Wrong verb form
finishing
show examples
 college in 2008.
Overall
Linking Words
, for graduate and postgraduate
students
Use synonyms
 tendency
of choosing
Change preposition
to choose
show examples
 some
types
Fix the agreement mistake
type
show examples
 of employment isn't really different. Because for both
further
Linking Words
 study is on the highest point,
whereas
Linking Words
 voluntary
work
Use synonyms
 is on the lowest.
However
Linking Words
, there is
noticeable
Add an article
a noticeable
show examples
 difference in
quantity
Add an article
the quantity
show examples
 of people.
According to
Linking Words
 the information given in the higher chart, it is clearly seen, that approximately 30 thousand
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
students
Use synonyms
 prefer to go into
further
Linking Words
 study. At the same
time
Add a comma
time,
show examples
 the number of people who choose part-time
work
Use synonyms
 and who
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 unemployed is twice smaller (16,235-17,735).
Linking Words
Additionally
Add a comma
Additionally,
show examples
 the rod with voluntary
work
Use synonyms
is
Verb problem
has
show examples
 significantly declined. The reason is that only 3500
student
Change to a plural noun
students
show examples
 want to go
into
Change preposition
to
show examples
work
Use synonyms
 without payment. The second graph shows the same results
with
Change preposition
as
show examples
Linking Words
first
Correct article usage
the first
show examples
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but with changes in
number
Correct article usage
the number
show examples
between
Change preposition
of
show examples
 postgraduate and graduated people. Noticeably
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 more relevant
students
Use synonyms
' choices are for
further
Linking Words
 study and part-time
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
, 2,725 and 2,535
students
Use synonyms
 respectively.
Linking Words
Furthermore
Add a comma
Furthermore,
show examples
 unemployment is
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
second place because the number of
students
Use synonyms
is
Verb problem
has
show examples
 decreased to 1,625. As in
higher
Correct article usage
the higher
show examples
 chart in
second
Change the article
the second
show examples
graph
Add a comma
graph,
show examples
 the preference for voluntary
work
Use synonyms
 is extremely low (345).
Submitted by dinazhumanova2001 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "further".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words students, work with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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