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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

‏In some places, teenagers are encouraged to get part-time jobs while they are still in school. Do the advantages of teens working outweigh the disadvantages?

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Part-time
jobs
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 have become an indispensable part of modern life. There is a frequently discussed issue of whether Part-time
work
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 has a beneficial impact on teenagers, or whether it poses risks. I firmly believe that the advantages of part-time
jobs
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 outweigh their disadvantages.
This
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 essay will delve into
this
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 phenomenon, supported by relevant examples and insights. ‎‏On the one hand, there are some drawbacks to teenagers who
work
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 in part-time
jobs
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. One major issue is decreasing in their academic performance, as youth don't have time to study after their school time.
For instance
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, a study conducted at Glasgow University illustrated that most
students
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 who
work
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 after going to school suffer from a lack of knowledge and vocabulary.
Consequently
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,
this
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 might have long-lasting effects on their study. ‎‏
On the other hand
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, there are undeniable benefits to part-time
work
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. One notable advantage is that when children are exposed to
work
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,
this
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 definitely plays a crucial role in their personal economic.
For example
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, a report by UNESCO, 90% of workers part-time are earning a good income.
As a result
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,
this
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 stimulates a sense of
overall
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 well-being and comfort in the nation. Another merit to be considered is that pupils often gain some skills that contribute to improving their self-esteem. A good example here, individuals who
work
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 as receptionists can learn a lot of experiences, especially in communicating with people and how to solve problems.
Thus
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,
students
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 are able to increase their confidence and
work
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 more efficiently in society. ‎‏In conclusion,
although
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 part-time
jobs
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 present challenges, I strongly think that the merits overpower the detrimental ones. It not only fosters
students
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' economic growth but
also
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 gives
students
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 a chance to know many important exercises in their lives.
Therefore
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, to maximize these benefits, governments should actively encourage individuals to have part-time
jobs
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.

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task achievement
While the essay presents a clear stance on the topic, certain ideas could be developed further for enhanced clarity and depth.
coherence cohesion
In the body paragraphs, enhancing linkage between ideas and providing more detailed examples will improve comprehensibility.
introduction conclusion present
The essay offers a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively outlining the main points and summarizing the stance.
logical structure
The structure of the essay is easy to follow, with logical progressions between points and paragraphs.
supported main points
The essay successfully acknowledges both advantages and disadvantages, supporting the main argument with relevant examples.
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