IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In modern society, some people believe children should listen to the story of their parents. However, others think the advanced media could replace parents to tell the story for children. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#society #people #children #story #parents #media
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Some people
argued
Wrong verb form
argue
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 that
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 these days social things are the primary impact
in
Change preposition
on
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Use synonyms
children'
Change noun form
children's
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 improvement,
while
Linking Words
 others think that the family is more crucial.
While
Linking Words
 the parents have
a
Remove the article
apply
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strong access to their
Use synonyms
children
Change noun form
children's
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mind
Correct subject-verb agreement
minds
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, I believe social factors have wider doors that can help to improve
children
Use synonyms
. On the one hand, the family is a great environment to develop
children
Use synonyms
. Normally, they know their
Use synonyms
children'
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 interests and they can improve them in order to fit the child, parents could strongly
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
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in
Change preposition
apply
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their
children
Use synonyms
 to determine what they are and what they will become.
For example
Linking Words
, the parents could provide lessons by a teacher or by themselves to the
children
Use synonyms
 in order to develop them. I believe not all families care about the
Use synonyms
children'
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 improvement.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, social factors could provide wide methods in
term
Fix the agreement mistake
terms
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Use synonyms
Change preposition
of children'
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children'
Change noun form
children's
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 development. They open new doors and new ways to think and
as a result
Linking Words
 of
Linking Words
this
Add a comma
this,
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 the
children
Use synonyms
 will be able to improve themselves in
easy
Add an article
an easy
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 way. By meeting new friends the
children
Use synonyms
 can have
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
new thoughts that help them to improve , and
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
watching the world through TV or social media Apps would help them to gain
new
Correct article usage
a new
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 look
over
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the world which
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 them improve.
For instance
Linking Words
, nowadays,
children
Use synonyms
 have many apps that can help them to develop themselves like YouTube. I believe social methods are preferable to the
Use synonyms
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 improvement. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 family can provide the atmosphere to the
children
Use synonyms
, I believe social ways provide wider ways in order to improve.
Submitted by reemstar20 on

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task achievement
While your essay effectively discusses both perspectives, you may want to present a clearer thesis statement in your introduction that outlines your stance. Enhancing clarity in your argument will contribute to better task response.
coherence cohesion
Try to develop your ideas with more coherence and depth. Consider organizing your thoughts into clearer paragraphs with topic sentences and supporting sentences for better logical structure.
coherence cohesion
You might benefit from using more conjunctions and transition words to improve the flow of your essay. This will help link ideas and paragraphs more smoothly.
task achievement
Including more specific examples or evidence to support your points could help strengthen your essay and solidify your argument.
task achievement
Your essay provides a balanced discussion, considering both the family's and social factors' impact on children's development.
task achievement
You've taken a clear stance by favoring social factors for children's development and consistently supported it throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your opinions compared to the rest of the essay, providing closure.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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