many people work long hours, leaving very little time for leisure activities. Dose this situation have more advantages or more disadvantage.

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In the modern world,
people
Use synonyms
are sometimes exposed to working long hours because of changes in working models.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
individuals
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have no leisure
time
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and they cannot
have
Verb problem
spend
show examples
alot
Correct your spelling
a lot
of
time
Use synonyms
passed their families, friends or relevant. They do not even have
time
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for themselves. In my opinion, there are more disadvantages to
this
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situation.
Thisthis
Correct your spelling
This
view will be explained in the following essay. Working long hours leads to increased stress on
individuals
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and it could decrease the yield of
people
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.
Furthermore
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,
people
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lose their enthusiasm for working. Stressed
people
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sometimes might face to burst of anger and they could not overcome
this
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intensity of emotion.
Thus
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, they have problems with their colleagues and management.
In addition
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, working long times beget
people
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have no leisure activities so, they may not spend
time
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with their relatives.
Therefore
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,
people
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start to feel lonely.
This
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emotion causes some mental illness.
For instance
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, depression, anxiety
as well as
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mental diseases.
Hence
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, even
people
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's relationships with themselves deteriorate.
Additionally
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, they do not improve themselves and
individuals
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have problems in their business and private lives.
To sum up
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, changing business models has some disadvantages for
individuals
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,
such
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as stress, feelings of
lonely
Replace the word
loneliness
show examples
, etc. I maintain
that is
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damages outweigh these advantages, which are related to their business and personal lives.
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Task Achievement
Try to provide more specific examples to support your points. This will strengthen your argument and make it more convincing.
Coherence and Cohesion
Focus on improving sentence structure for clearer communication. Some sentences are a bit unclear, which might confuse readers.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your introduction clearly presents the topic and your opinion, setting the stage for your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
You effectively conclude the essay, summarizing your main points and reaffirming your stance.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Work-life balance
  • Burnout
  • Productivity
  • Leisure activities
  • Mental health
  • Physical health
  • Job security
  • Economic benefits
  • Stress management
  • Hypertension
  • Obesity
  • Fatigue
  • Work output
  • Societal expectations
  • Volunteerism
  • Community participation
  • Remote work
  • Technological impact
  • Career goals
  • Professional satisfaction
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