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Writing Samples
Band 6

The charts below show the average percentages in typical means of three types of nutrients,all of which may be unhealthy if eaten too much.

The charts below show the average percentages in typical means of three types of nutrients,all of which may be unhealthy if eaten too much.
The charts
illustrates
Change the verb form
illustrate
show examples
 the average percentages in normal foods of three types of nutrients, which may be not healthy if eaten unnecessarily. In the first diagram, it shows that the highest percentage of sodium is in dinner.
Whereas
Linking Words
, in snack and breakfast it's a constant percentage
that is
Linking Words
 14%.
However
Linking Words
, the percentage of sodium in
launch
Add an article
the launch
show examples
 is 29%.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,the second diagram shows that the
amount
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of saturated fats
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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in morning meals is 37%
Linking Words
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 is
highest
Correct article usage
the highest
show examples
. Meanwhile, in
evening
Correct article usage
the evening
show examples
 meal there is 16%.
In contrast
Linking Words
, the in afternoon meal there is 26% saturated fats.
Moreover
Linking Words
,in
snacks
Add a comma
snacks,
show examples
 there is 21%.
In addition
Linking Words
 to that, the third diagrams show that the
sugar
Use synonyms
 added in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
snacks
Fix the agreement mistake
snack
show examples
 meals is on top
that is
Linking Words
 42%.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the
sugar
Use synonyms
 in a lunch is 19%. Meanwhile, in
morning
Correct article usage
the morning
show examples
 meal the
sugar
Use synonyms
 is 16%.
However
Linking Words
,
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 night
meal
Fix the agreement mistake
meals
show examples
 there is 23%
sugar
Use synonyms
 added. In conclusion, the three diagrams explain
us
Change preposition
to us
show examples
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the nutrients that are available in our typical foods.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "furthermore, however, that is".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words sugar with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentages" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "diagram" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 4 times.
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