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Writing Samples
Band 4

Nowadays as a part of the education process students are working for a company for a short period of time without pay. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

#part #education #process #students #company #period #time #outweigh
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These days a part of the education process
students
Use synonyms
 are working for a
company
Use synonyms
 without pay
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 a short period.There are both merits and demerits, and I think that the benefits are
greather
Correct your spelling
greater
 than the drawbacks.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, not all aspects are beneficial for
students
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, working without pay is not fair. Working for
Use synonyms
company
Add an article
the company
a company
show examples
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 beneficial for them but
students
Use synonyms
 need to
take
Wrong verb form
be taken
show examples
 care
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
because
Change preposition
of because
show examples
 they are teenagers so they could
be take
Change the verb form
be taken
show examples
 care
by
Change preposition
of by
show examples
 adults.
Use synonyms
Company
Fix the agreement mistake
Companies
show examples
 and
students
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 both take
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
risk
Fix the agreement mistake
risks
show examples
 when they
working
Wrong verb form
work
show examples
.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
students
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 who did not want to
work
Use synonyms
 they
inturrept
Correct your spelling
interrupt
 their free.All
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 their decision but
students
Use synonyms
 cannot reject their education process.They can consider their decision to
work
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 or not.
However
Linking Words
,
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
show examples
 are greater than the disadvantages.First of all,
students
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 can improve their knowledge.
For example
Linking Words
, nowadays many young adults
did
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 not have enough
informations
Change the wording
information
pieces of information
show examples
how
Change preposition
about how
show examples
 to
work
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, so when they have
education
Correct article usage
an education
show examples
 process they can adapt more easily in the
future
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.
In addition
Linking Words
,
students
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 can make
decision
Fix the agreement mistake
decisions
show examples
 for choosing a job in the
future
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. If they
work
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 earlier
students
Use synonyms
 can think about which job would fit
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them.It can be
great
Add an article
a great
show examples
 advantage for their
future
Use synonyms
 career, and they can improve their skills before they
having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 a job. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
improve
Wrong verb form
improving
show examples
 knowledge and skills should be beneficial for their
future
Use synonyms
 career.
Thus
Linking Words
,
students
Use synonyms
need
Correct pronoun usage
who need
show examples
 to
work
Use synonyms
 for
Use synonyms
company
Fix the agreement mistake
companies
show examples
 without pay must
be encourage
Change the verb form
be encouraged
show examples
.
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task response
For task response, ensure each paragraph tackles one point clearly while addressing the essay question effectively. Try to integrate more specific examples to substantiate your arguments.
coherence cohesion
In terms of coherence and cohesion, using clearer linking words and maintaining a logical flow between points will enhance the overall readability and connection between your ideas. Minimizing grammatical errors can also help maintain clarity.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly presents the topic and indicates the writer's position, which is a crucial element in task response and cohesion.
task response
The essay presents both advantages and disadvantages with an overall stance, demonstrating a critical approach to the question.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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