IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many university graduates cannot find a job in their chosen profession.What factor may have caused this situation and what in your opinion, should be done it.

#university #graduates #job #profession #factor #situation
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Finding a
job
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 in certain fields of your choice could be challenging for
college
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graduates
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.
This
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 essay will discuss the factors that could influence
this
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 situation and the solutions.
Firstly
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, the economic condition of a country could influence
job
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 opportunities as a whole, especially for
college
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graduates
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. When the
market
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 situation is stagnant, the chance of getting a
job
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 is
also
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 decreasing.
Additionally
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,
college
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graduates
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 usually fill the skilled worker posts, where
this
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 kind of
job
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 is more reactive to the general economic conditions.
For instance
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, in Indonesia, many workers who worked at technological start-up companies faced layoffs when the economic situation was bad,
such
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 as during the COVID-19 pandemic.
Secondly
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, the rise of degree holder numbers
also
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 affects the opportunity to find a
job
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.
In other words
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,
this
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 condition leads to a
job
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market
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that is
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 hyper-competitive,
thus
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 making the opportunity slimmer for university
graduates
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.
This
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 condition could be depicted by the experience of Indonesia. When the number of
graduates
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 rose, the
job
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market
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 became more competitive for the
college
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 degree holder since the number of jobs and the number of
graduates
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is
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 far from equal. I argue that there are two possible solutions that could be done to fix these problems.
First,
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the government could propose programs to push the growth of
business
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sectors
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 in order to expand
job
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 opportunities through incentive programs for
business
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sectors
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 to increase the rate of investment (both for domestic investment and foreign direct investment).
Second,
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college
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graduates
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 could develop their skills that are more needed by the
business
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sectors
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 through secondary education or professional training.
This
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 could help the
graduates
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 to increase their chances for them to get the
job
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 they wanted. In conclusion, both the country's economic conditions and the rise of
college
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 graduate figures lead to the diminishing chance of getting a
job
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 nowadays.
However
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, I believe there are two possible solutions,
that is
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 for the government to formulate programs to push the growth of
business
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sectors
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 and for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
college
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graduates
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 to develop their skills
according to
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 the demand in the
job
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market
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.
Submitted by rhisaaidilla on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-structured, with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. However, you could enhance the logical flow by using more transition words between paragraphs for smoother connectivity.
task achievement
The response addresses the task effectively, but providing more varied examples and discussing a broader range of potential solutions could further strengthen your argument.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction clearly sets out the issue and outlines the structure of the essay effectively.
supported main points
You provide relevant specific examples to support your main points, particularly the case study related to Indonesia.
clear comprehensive ideas
The ideas in your essay are presented clearly and coherently.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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