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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In films and computer games violence has become more popular. Some people think this has negative effects on society, other think it is harmless relaxation. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

#films #computer #games #violence #people #effects #society #relaxation
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In recent years there has been an increasing trend of violent
movies
Use synonyms
 and graphic games.
While
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 many consider
this
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 a "harmless relaxation", it poses immense negative effects on society
such
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 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 increasing hate crimes and violence. Personally, I stand against the idea of promoting these activities and generalizing them for everyone.
This
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 essay will discuss both sides of the argument with
further
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 examples. Many individuals argue that playing games like Counter-Strike or Dota has helped them to feel calm and that they don't see any harm in watching abusive
movies
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. But, they need to understand that others might not feel the same way, and teenagers might get into
this
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 idea of normalizing
such
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 activity which they may carry in the real world.
According to
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 statistics, we have been witnessing a rapid rise in hate crimes and violence and one should link these behaviours to personal fun activities of those people. Nowadays,
movies
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such
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 as The Joker are gaining popularity and have a huge fan following which can
also
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 be a leading cause of depression, as the main character of that movie was suffering from clinical depression and to cope with his problem he started killing the problem.
Movies
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 of
this
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 kind may lead to bad examples in society and
also
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 provide the public with negative ways to tackle a serious issue.
Such
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movies
Use synonyms
 should not be encouraged and we should make sure that it does not reach a younger audience. To sum it all up, with the rise in violent films and gaming, crimes in society are rising and
this
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 needs to be addressed.
Creation
Correct article usage
The creation
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 and distribution of
such
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movies
Use synonyms
 and games should be monitored as they can have a harsh effect on young minds.
Submitted by bhat.shweta17 on

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task achievement
Try to provide more balanced arguments when discussing both sides of the issue. Include examples or points that could support the harmless relaxation perspective as well, for a more comprehensive task response.
task achievement
Consider adding more clear and comprehensive ideas. Some ideas are touched upon but not fully developed or explored.
task achievement
To strength your points, include more relevant and specific examples. This will help support your arguments more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Improve the transitions between paragraphs and ideas to enhance the essay's cohesion. Ensure each paragraph flows naturally from the previous one.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each main point is supported with sufficient detail and explanation, as this will enhance the coherence and cohesion of your essay.
task achievement
Your introduction effectively sets up the topic and states your personal opinion clearly, which is crucial for a higher score in task achievement.
coherence cohesion
You provided a well-structured conclusion that summarizes your main points, reinforcing your stance effectively.
coherence cohesion
The essay is logically structured with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which contributes to a successful coherence and cohesion score.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • desensitize
  • aggressive behavior
  • glorify
  • artistic expression
  • pent-up emotions
  • media consumption
  • model for conflict resolution
  • fiction vs. reality
  • outlet for frustration
  • conclusive evidence
  • social influences
  • real-world aggression
  • interaction
  • imitation
  • controlled environment
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