IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Many people nowadays spend a large part of their free time using a smartphone What do you think are the reasons for this Do yo think this is a postive or negative development

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Smartphones have become increasingly popular because
people
Use synonyms
 use them regularly, particularly in their free time. In my opinion,
this
Linking Words
 is because most individuals want to fulfil their satisfaction by playing with
asmartphone
Correct your spelling
a smartphone
 since they can access everything more easily, which can lead to downsides as it has a detrimental influence on the user. Playing a cell phone is undoubtedly fulfilling because
people
Use synonyms
 consistently seek full enjoyment through it.
This
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 can drive them away from living in boredom as it can offer exciting activities, which would satisfy the users and spark a pleasant feeling to experience everlasting happiness.
For instance
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, most college students generally spend their leisure time during a long break by watching interesting videos or surfing through social media as they find it helpful to relieve their stress
due to
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 a packed schedule.
Thus
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,
people
Use synonyms
 will use their leisure time for playing on a phone if they want to feel more dynamic and less
stressful
Replace the word
stressed
show examples
. On the other side, the excessive usage of smartphones will cause an addiction, which results in fewer interactions with other
people
Use synonyms
. They will lack social skills as they tend to focus on their phones without paying attention to their surroundings. To exemplify, a teenager in the U.S. often plays his smartphone games continuously, which makes him unable to communicate with his friends and family properly since he cannot express himself because he is already addicted to virtual reality rather than his actual life.
To conclude
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,
people
Use synonyms
 will always look for fulfilment that can reduce their burdens or make them happier.
However
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,
this
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 habit will turn into an obsession that will negatively affect their life, which makes
people
Use synonyms
 struggle to socialize and maintain their relations with others.

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Coherence and Cohesion
To improve the logical progression of ideas, consider using more transitional phrases to guide the reader through the essay smoothly. This can help clarify how one point leads to another.
Task Achievement
Try to provide a balanced view by discussing both the positive and negative aspects more in depth or evenly, as your essay tends to focus primarily on the negative aspects of smartphone use.
Task Achievement
Enhance the clarity of your ideas by ensuring that each paragraph has a clear and concise topic sentence that sets the stage for the rest of the paragraph.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, clearly framing the main topic and summarizing the main points.
Task Achievement
You provided relevant examples, such as how college students use smartphones to relieve stress, which helps to illustrate your points effectively.
Coherence and Cohesion
The main points are well-supported with explanations and examples, making your arguments compelling and grounded.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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