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Writing Samples
Band 5

In some countries, a few people earn extremely high salaries. Some people think that this is good for a country, while others believe that the government should control salaries and limit the amount people can earn. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#countries #people #salaries #country #government #control #limit #amount
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Certain countries experience a staggering
inequality
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condition
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 in wages.
While
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 some believe it is good for the economic
condition
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 of those countries,
some
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
others think that the government need to formulate a policy to reduce the
income
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 gap between citizens. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both opinions and put
foward
Correct your spelling
forward
 my own argument
in
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on
show examples
this
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 issue.
People
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in
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on
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 the supportive side argue that
inequality
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 in salaries is a result of
market
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the market
show examples
for
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apply
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presenting an incentive for
people
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 to be more productive.
In other words
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,
person’s
Correct article usage
a person’s
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 salary
reflected
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reflects
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 their contribution towards economic productivity as a whole.
For example
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, a doctor is justified to be paid more rather than
other type
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another type
other types
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 of
job
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jobs
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 since their contribution towards
society
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society's
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 health
condition
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 is important,
thus
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 need to be paid higher.
On the other hand
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,
people
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that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 refuse
this
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 perspective argue that the extreme
inequality
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 of
income
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 could lead to a
condition
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 where most
people
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 could not get access to the
service
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services
show examples
 they need. It could
also
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 ignite social unrest and
making
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make
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 the economic
condition
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 worsen.
For instance
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, Indonesia
had
Unnecessary verb
apply
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experienced social calamity in 1998 when the
inequality
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 and the prices of basic necessities rose,
while
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conversely
Add a comma
conversely,
show examples
 the
income
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had
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
plummeted because the unemployment. I argue a middle ground between these two extremes is the ideal option. The government need to ensure that every
citizens
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citizen
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 can receive their basic needs
while
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also
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 ensuring the
inequality
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 of
income
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 is
in
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at
show examples
 an acceptable level to maintain the incentive factor.
This
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 measurement could be done by formulating welfare programs and
create
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creating
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 the
condition
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 for
competition
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the competition
a competition
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 of wages is not interrupted by other factors than
market
Add an article
the market
a market
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,
such
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 as collusion, corruption,
cartel
Correct word choice
or cartel
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. etc. With
these kind
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this kind
these kinds
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 of intervention, the
inequality
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 should not be a problem and could be ways to increase
people
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’s productivity
overall
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. In conclusion, extreme
inequality
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 of wages is not a good thing since it could encourage social unrest and
blocking
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block
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people
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’s access
for
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to
show examples
 better services. But, the
income
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 gap is still needed to encourage
people
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 to be more productive in economic terms as an incentive mechanism. So, I believe the middle ground is the best option for a society to prosper more, with the enactment of social programs for those who needed and ensuring the market
to run
Change the verb form
runs
show examples
 properly without distortion.
Submitted by rhisaaidilla on

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task achievement
Expand on the supporting examples to strengthen your argument, particularly the example about social unrest in Indonesia. Providing more detailed historical context or data could make the point more relatable and convincing.
coherence cohesion
Ensure more seamless transitions between paragraphs to improve the flow of ideas. Using more transitional phrases could help the reader clearly follow the shift from one argument to another.
task achievement
The essay provides a balanced view by discussing both sides of the argument effectively, reflecting a willingness to explore complex issues objectively.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-defined, effectively framing the discussion and reiterating the author's stance.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • wealth inequality
  • economic growth
  • motivation
  • talent acquisition
  • consumer spending
  • tax revenue
  • redistributing wealth
  • market forces
  • income disparity
  • social stability
  • freedom of choice
  • meritocracy
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