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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that the increase in the number of obese people should be the responsibility of the governments, while other think it should be the responsibility of individuals. Discuss both sides and give your opinion

#people #responsibility #governments #individuals
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Obesity
Use synonyms
 rates have been considerably increasing, and some crowd claim that it should be the government’s responsibility to address
this
Linking Words
 issue,
while
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 others argue that it is a personal matter and should be handled individually. In my opinion, I strongly contend that it is a personal problem since they are the ones who take charge of their consumption. Obese people can effectively control their consumption of calories by becoming aware of the ingredients of their
meals
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, which directly influences to decrease in the risk of
obesity
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.
For example
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, in the
market
Add a comma
market,
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 many companies launch the same products as the original one but with different ingredients to reduce the amount of calories. The same thing was done by the
coca cola
Add a hyphen
coca-cola
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 company. They made Coke Zero and a diet with 0 calories for
calorie-conscious
Add an article
the calorie-conscious
show examples
 community.
On the other hand
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, individuals are suggested to implement a balanced diet because they know their bodies and daily
meals
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 more deeply. They can take a suitable approach to making losing-weight plans that will not harm them during the process as they can maintain and explore their own necessities independently. To exemplify, some people who get chronic diseases
due to
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obesity
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 will slowly realize it is their responsibility to maintain their health.
As a result
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, they change their habits by having proper
meals
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 and healthy food choices.
To conclude
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, the government will certainly support people to overcome
obesity
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 by providing strict regulations that can encourage them to monitor their
meals
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.
Nevertheless
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, I consider that paying attention to one’s body would be a viable measure as the individual can solve the problems by oneself and find the most effective solution.
Submitted by jarsham5 on

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task achievement
Ensure your stance is clear throughout the essay. Make sure your opinion is evident not just at the beginning but also in the conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Work on creating smoother transitions between ideas. Ensure each paragraph logically follows the previous one. This can help in fully connecting your ideas.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, successfully framing the discussion.
task achievement
You provided specific examples, such as Coke Zero, which effectively support your points.
task achievement
You addressed both sides of the argument as the question required.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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