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Writing Samples
Band 8

In many countries students who leave high school have no understanding of how to manage their money. Why is this case? What can be done to improve students' understanding of how to manage personal finance?

#countries #students #school #money #case #finance
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Students who graduate from high
school
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 have no knowledge of managing wealth across many nations. One primary cause is that knowledge is undervalued, and sharing enlightening information about the benefits can be a viable solution at
school
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. To start with, one major reason for
this
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 situation is that societies prioritize academic subjects over other subjects,
such
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 as managing money or repairing digital tools, which are extremely useful in life but still useless to enrol in educational settings. To illustrate, in Japan, the government offers an entrance-examination-oriented society;
hence
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, parents and teachers insist that entering a prestigious university is a key path toward a successful life, which helps overlook the significance of financial skills at
school
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.
As a result
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, a large percentage of young people fail to gain the opportunities to acquire
such
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 skills during
school
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 days.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, to address
this
Linking Words
 issue, society should highlight the importance of financial management and offer classes to students, which is valuable for their future.
This
Linking Words
 is because, in fact, even though individuals can acquire excellence in math or chemistry, the acquisition barely ensures financial stability in most cases;
thus
Linking Words
, learning the knowledge is more likely to have the potential for stability in the future.
For instance
Linking Words
, straightforwardly sharing the benefits regarding the disparity between individuals managing their own finances or those who do not in an instructional setting, which is simple but effective for students to develop their interests. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 one key cause is that nations tend to undervalue the significance of financial organizing since they focus on academic subjects at
school
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, sharing enlightening information about the benefits based on real life can be a viable solution.
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task response
To enhance task response, provide more detailed examples or evidence to support the points you make. You might include statistics, studies, or expert opinions that reinforce your argument.
coherence cohesion
While your essay is coherent, try to make the transition between paragraphs smoother. Words like 'furthermore', 'moreover', and 'on the contrary' can help signal shifts in ideas to the reader more clearly.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a strong logical structure with a clear introduction and conclusion, enabling readers to follow your points easily.
task achievement
You have addressed the task by identifying a potential cause and proposing a solution. This directness makes your argument clear and effective.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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