IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Topic 13: Some people believe that children should spend all of their free time with their families. Others believe that this is unneccessary or even negative. Discuss the possible arguments on both sides, and say which side you personally support.

#topic #people #children #time #families #unneccessary #arguments #side #support
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Some people think that
children
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 should spend all of their spare
time
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 with their
families
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while
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 others believe that it is unnecessary and even has negative effects. I personally
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
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 that
while
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 spending free
time
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 with their
families
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 strengthens the bonding of
children
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 with their parents,
chidlren
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children
 should spend their free
time
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on
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apply
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developing soft
skills
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, which
helps
Correct subject-verb agreement
help
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 them to secure
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
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 in the
future
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. If
children
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 spend their free
time
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 with their parents and extended
families
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, it will strengthen their bonds with their
families
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. It will allow them to understand the value of family life and prepare them as caring persons in the
future
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.
For example
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, in Japan, students are advised to spend their school holidays with their
families
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 because it helps them to enhance their bond with their family members.
However
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, I personally believe that
instead
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 of spending
time
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 with their
families
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,
children
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 should invest that valuable
time
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 in developing soft
skills
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, which will help them to secure
jobs
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 in the
future
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. If
children
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 concentrate on developing soft
skills
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 in their free
time
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, they will be able to develop some
skills
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 and that will be helpful in their
future
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 to secure
jobs
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. In the current competitive job market, those who have soft
skills
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 can easily secure
jobs
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 than those who do not
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
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.
For example
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, in India, students during their vacations engage themselves in community work, which helps them to achieve some
skills
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. When these
children
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 become adults, they utilize those soft
skills
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 in the
future
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.
Therefore
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, I believe that developing
skills
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 is more important for
children
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 in their spare
time
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. In conclusion, I personally believe that
while
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 spending
time
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 with their
families
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 in their free
time
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 helps
children
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 to strengthen their
bonding
Fix the agreement mistake
bonds
show examples
 with their
families
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, developing soft
skills
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 is more beneficial for them because it helps them to secure
jobs
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 in the
future
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay could benefit from a clearer connection between paragraphs. Try using transition words or sentences to improve the flow between ideas.
task achievement
Although you have presented relevant examples, expanding on them slightly by including more details or linking them directly to your main argument would enhance the task achievement.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively frames your essay.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the task well and presents balanced arguments for both perspectives before stating your personal opinion clearly.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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