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Writing Samples
Band 7

Many people today choose to take part in extreme sports (e.g. skydiving, rock climbing). Why do you think people want to do these sports? Who do you think should pay if people injure themselves while doing an extreme sport?

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Introduction
Extreme adventures are a good way to help people experience an adrenaline rush and escape their daily routine. These types of activities are suitable for people who are confident in themselves and willing to take risks. I strongly believe that people who choose to participate in
such
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 activities want to feel more alive and test their physical and mental limits.
Furthermore
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, the risk of injury
while
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 participating in extreme sports,
such
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 as rock climbing or skydiving, is relatively high. That's why many companies offering these kinds of activities require
participants
Use synonyms
 to sign a contract or agreement before taking part.
Moreover
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,
participants
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 will cover the cost of certain injuries themselves; the activity would pay for some injuries,
while
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 companies may be responsible for others, depending on the circumstances of the accident.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
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, the population that enjoys putting itself at risk actively seeks out exciting opportunities.
In addition
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, many thrill-seekers are drawn to extreme situations because they love challenging themselves and experiencing an adrenaline rush.
For example
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, motocross, cliff jumping, climbing, and mountain biking are among the most common extreme sports.
Such
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 exercise allows the community to test their abilities, overcome their fears, and experience a sense of achievement.
Body paragraph 2
Secondly
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, there is a considerable risk involved when individuals decide to participate in
this
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 kind of activity.
Although
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 there may be some equipment problems that are the company’s responsibility, most accidents are not necessarily the company's fault. Because participating in
this
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 sport is a personal choice, individuals should accept responsibility for the risks involved and normally pay for their own medical treatment.
However
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, if an injury is caused by faulty equipment, inadequate safety measures, or the company's negligence, the company should cover the costs.
Conclusion
Overall
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,
although
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 extreme sports can be dangerous, they can
also
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 be exciting and fun if
participants
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 use the right equipment and follow safety rules. In my opinion,
participants
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 should generally pay for injuries arising from risks they voluntarily assume,
while
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 companies should be responsible for accidents caused by their own negligence.

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task response
Answer both parts clearly, as you do now. To make the ideas stronger, explain more fully why people want risk. For example, say how doing hard sports can help people feel proud, free, or more sure of themselves.
task response
Your view on who should pay is clear and fair. Add one more clear case: if a person does not follow the safety rules, that person should pay. This would make your answer more complete.
task response
Some examples are only names of sports. Use one short real-life example to show your point. For instance, a climber may feel proud after reaching a hard place after weeks of training.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main parts, and a clear end. Keep this plan, but make the first paragraph shorter. It now gives many ideas before the main body begins.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as “Firstly”, “Secondly”, “However”, and “Overall” help the reader. You can also link ideas more directly: “This is because...” and “As a result...”.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid unclear words such as “the population”, “the community”, and “this sport”. Use direct words like “people”, “participants”, or “extreme sports” so the meaning stays clear.
coherence and cohesion
In the first paragraph, the sentence about who pays is a little hard to follow: “the activity would pay for some injuries”. Say clearly that the company pays only when its own bad safety work caused the injury.
task response
You give a clear answer to both questions: people take part for excitement and to test themselves, while payment should depend on who caused the injury.
task response
The points about bad equipment, poor safety, and company fault are useful and directly linked to the question.
coherence and cohesion
Your main body is easy to follow because each paragraph has one main idea.
coherence and cohesion
The final paragraph clearly sums up your view and matches the ideas in the essay.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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