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Writing Samples
Band 5

Many people today choose to take part in extreme sports (e.g. skydiving, rock climbing). Why do you think people want to do these sports? Who do you think should pay if people injure themselves while doing an extreme sport?

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Nowadays, extreme
sports
Use synonyms
 are very popular.
People
Use synonyms
 want to try something new, to feel other emotions. But there are always some consequences. In fact, it is important not to do it alone, but to have a professional next to you.
Although
Linking Words
 it may be dangerous sometimes,
people
Use synonyms
 continue to do these kinds of
sports
Use synonyms
. It gives you the feeling of
releasing
Replace the word
release
. Adrenaline can be very helpful in some situations,
for
Linking Words
example
Punctuation problem
example,
show examples
 stress before an exam. Doing rock climbing would be something unusual
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 sightseeing would be amazing
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 all the stress would be forgotten. For me, it is something uncommon, and I would like to try skydiving. I had a lot of dreams where I was flying like a bird, and the feelings are unforgettable. But for now, I think I’m too young for that kind of activity and a little scared. Another reason why
people
Use synonyms
 choose to do extreme
sports
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 is the desire to try everything
what
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 is possible. Many
people
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 think that we live once,
therefore
Linking Words
 they try everything: jumping with
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 parachute, scuba diving, hang gliding.
However
Linking Words
, talking about consequences, it is still very dangerous. And if you injured yourself, not always
somebody
Verb problem
does somebody
show examples
has
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 to pay you.
For example
Linking Words
, if you used
services
Correct article usage
the services
show examples
 of any company
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 that had to keep your
save
Check wording
data safe
show examples
 and they failed, they must pay you for damages. But if you just wanted to try something new without any help, and got injured, you have no
rights
Check wording
right
show examples
 to blame somebody but
you
Correct pronoun usage
yourself
show examples
. In conclusion, extreme
sports
Use synonyms
 are a good way to bring new emotions, more colours in your life, but it is important
to
Wrong verb form
apply
show examples
not
forget
Verb problem
to forget
show examples
 about safety, and
have
Verb problem
take
show examples
 responsibility for your life.

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task response
Answer both questions more fully. You say why people do these sports, but the part about who should pay is a bit short.
task response
Give one or two more clear examples for each main idea. This will make your points stronger.
task response
Make your ideas more direct. Some parts are personal, but they do not always help your main answer.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear topic sentences at the start of each body paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a smoother way. Some sentences jump from one idea to another.
coherence and cohesion
Check pronouns and sentence connection, so the reader can follow your meaning more easily.
task response
You answer both parts of the question.
task response
Your opinion is clear about payment after injury.
coherence and cohesion
There is a clear beginning, middle, and end.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion matches your main ideas.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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