IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that the increase in the number of obese people should be the responsibility of the governments, while other think it should be the responsibility of individuals.

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While
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 some
people
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 believe that
governments
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 should be held accountable for the rise in
obesity
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 rates, others argue that
individuals
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 are to blame for
this
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 phenomenon. In
this
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 essay, I will analyze
both
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 arguments and will provide my opinion on the matter.
Governments
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 primarily affect the rising
obesity
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 rate by allowing unhealthy
food
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 companies to advertise their products on television and social media platforms. These companies frequently hire renowned personalities from the sports industry or Hollywood to promote their products.
Consequently
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, these strategies motivate consumers who admire their idols to purchase goods despite their harmful effects on well-being. Ultimately, these dietary practices may result in excess weight.
Although
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governments
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 play a role, it is
also
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 the responsibility of
individuals
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 to maintain their health and avoid becoming obese. Many
individuals
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 prefer dining out because preparing
food
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 at home can be time-consuming. The entire cooking process, including meal planning, grocery shopping, chopping ingredients, cooking, setting the table, eating, and cleaning up, can take at least two hours.
This
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 is true even for a simple meal.
As a result
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, some
people
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 would prefer eating outside rather than preparing home-cooked meals.
Furthermore
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, restaurants serve larger portions of calorie-dense
food
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, which can contribute to
obesity
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. In my opinion,
both
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individuals
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 and
governments
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 are to be blamed for the rise in overweight
people
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.
Instead
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 of allowing unhealthy
food
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 chains to advertise on digital platforms,
governments
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 should promote awareness of the side effects of consuming
such
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 foods. With
this
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 method, more
people
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 could learn about the consequences that come with consuming junk
food
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 in large quantities, resulting in a deterrent effect against consuming those foods.
Similarly
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,
individuals
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 should try to prepare meals at home whenever possible and consume nutritional options like salads even when they resort to eating outside.
This
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 approach would yield
both
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 physical and financial benefits by reducing the money spent on fast
food
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. In summary, for the rise in the
obesity
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 population,
governments
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 are responsible for permitting the
promotions
Fix the agreement mistake
promotion
show examples
 of unhealthy foods,
whereas
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individuals
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 are at fault for choosing an easy way out by eating outside
instead
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 of cooking at home.
Nevertheless
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,
both
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governments
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 and
individuals
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 can take some positive steps to overcome
this
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 predicament.

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coherence
Your essay presents a well-structured argument with clear paragraphs that enhance readability. For even better coherence, try to ensure each paragraph flows seamlessly into the next by using linking phrases or transitional sentences.
task achievement
Your task response is strong, as you address both sides of the argument and provide a balanced opinion. To achieve an even higher level, consider including more nuanced perspectives or additional examples.
task achievement
While your ideas are clear and comprehensive, slightly varying your vocabulary or sentence structures can make your essay more engaging.
coherence
The introduction effectively sets the context and outlines the argument, aligning well with the conclusion for a coherent and cohesive essay.
task achievement
Your essay provides relevant and specific examples that support your main points well, adding depth to your arguments.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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