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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart illustrates data about the number of males and females playing the most popular sports in New Zealand in 2002.

The chart illustrates data about the number of males and females playing the most popular sports in New Zealand in 2002.
The chart illustrates data about the
number
Use synonyms
 of males and females playing the most popular sports in New Zealand in 2002.
Overall
Linking Words
, the percentage of young women going swimming, doing athletics and playing netball surpassed that of young
men
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. In cricket,
marital
Correct your spelling
martial
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 arts, basketball, tennis, soccer and
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
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, more
boys
Use synonyms
 participated
in
Change preposition
apply
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than
girls
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. Netball was the sport that marked the huge difference between about 1% of males playing and nearly 25% of females joining. More than 20% of
girls
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 went swimming
while
Linking Words
 just roughly 13% of
boys
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 did. Athletics witnessed the smallest difference in the
number
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 of the two sexes playing.
In
Change preposition
Of
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 all the sports that most
men
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playing
Wrong verb form
play
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, soccer had the highest
number
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 with 25% of young
men
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 playing, five times higher than the
number
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 for young women. The percentage of
boys
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 playing cricket and martial arts was at 11% and 10% respectively
while
Linking Words
 that for
girls
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 was at nearly 1% and 3% respectively. These were followed by baseball and tennis with the figures at both about 9% for
men
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 and ranging around 7% for women. In other sports, approximately 18% of
boys
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 participated
whereas
Linking Words
 the figure for
girls
Use synonyms
 was more humble at 10%.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 100%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words number, men, boys, girls with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "illustrates" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "data" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "difference" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "nearly" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 3 times.
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