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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

A huge number of advertisements are increasing by pointing at children and encouraging them to consume toys and snacks. Many parents are concerned that these strategies affect a numerous pressure on children, while some advertisers claim that giving useful information is part of the campaigns. The following supports and examples of both views will be discussed below.

A huge number of advertisements are increasing by pointing at children and encouraging them to consume toys and snacks. Many parents are concerned that these strategies
affect
Verb problem
put
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 a
numerous
Fix the agreement mistake
lot of
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 pressure on children,
while
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 some advertisers claim that giving useful information is part of the campaigns. The following supports and examples of both views will be discussed below.
First,
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one of the most common effects of over-putting advertisements on a young is stress. Because the child’s brain development is not
as well as
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 adult ones. Insufficiency of emotional handling and
critically
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critical
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 thinking leads the younger ones to be tense unconsciously.
In addition
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,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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online promotion targets the young generation
that
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which
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 makes
their
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them
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 lose focus on studying which is the major role of childhood because of
a
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an
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 accessible internet
allowing
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allows
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 juveniles to perceive the product readily.
For example
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, BBC News reported that 75
percents
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per cent
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 of
a
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apply
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homeschool
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homeschooled
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 student
is
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are
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 distracted
from
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by
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 internet advertisements and their admission scores
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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dropped significantly compared to those studying at school.
On the other hand
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, without
advertisement
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advertisements
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, the parents would have not known the exact information
whether
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about whether
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 it suits their kid or not. The advantage of promoting kid gadgets is not only to earn their attention but
also
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 to give
a
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apply
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consideration to their guardians before buying them.
For instance
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, the FDA stated that the ingredients must be shown visibly on both the container and campaign to prevent the consumer from being allergic to any substances that can lead the unwanted death.
Moreover
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, the advertiser creates entertainment for the child by inventing a memorable song or image to recognize the product which facilitates the the youth to get enough nutritional
meal
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meals
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.
To conclude
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, there is rising up of
directly
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direct
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 advertising at juveniles and stimulating them to get
the
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apply
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those things causing a lot of tension in the teens and making them lose focus on tuition
while
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 advertising
at
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apply
show examples
the youngsters not only have the parents consider the details before giving something to their children, but
also
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 make an amusement and help the youth have their proper food and beverage.

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task response
Clarify and develop key arguments more effectively to ensure they are fully comprehensive, particularly in the discussion of stress impacts and benefits of advertising.
coherence cohesion
Improve logical flow and connections between paragraphs to strengthen coherence. Utilize transitional phrases to make connections between points clearer.
task response
Maintain consistency in ideas and explanations. Some parts, like the impact of advertising on distraction, could be expanded to be more complete and detailed.
coherence cohesion
The introduction introduces the topic and outlines both views clearly, setting a good stage for the essay.
task achievement
The essay uses relevant and specific examples to back up claims, such as statistics from BBC News and guidelines by FDA.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the key arguments, wrapping up the discussion in a balanced manner.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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