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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this idea?

#cultures #children #idea
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In some cultures, children are frequently advised that their dreams will come true if they work hard.
This
Linking Words
 trend may be beneficial for encouraging people to value the process, yet is harmful at the same time because they tend to loosely accuse the process if the outcome opposes their effort.
Firstly
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, the advisement of working as hard as possible may stir people to focus on how they should be able to use their power and ability to achieve their goals. The attempt ultimately will build up self-confidence, because they pay more attention to how to improve themselves for a specific purpose,
instead
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 of just being result-oriented persons.
For example
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, Albert Alaika, an Indonesian professional runner, once said that what made him on the first stage in the 2019 running competition was not because of the weakness of his competitors, but because he exercised more than others far before the race.
However
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,
such
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 outlooks have the disadvantages as well. One of which is people are prone to looking for scapegoats if they face the failure of their goals.
This
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 is because they have already put immense expectations during preparation times,
while
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 the results in fact show
otherwise
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.
For instance
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, children might develop the belief that any mistake is
due to
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 their own lack of effort, which can lead to undue stress and self-blame.
Therefore
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, many experts say that expectation kills your happiness. In conclusion, the teaching of trying hard in order to make our dreams come true possesses advantages for self-development, yet contains disadvantages as well for mental health because it allows us to expect more for the result.
Submitted by alaika on

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coherence cohesion
Clarify your main points in body paragraphs; ensure each paragraph presents one clear, distinct idea.
task achievement
Consider offering a counterargument to provide a well-rounded discussion.
task achievement
Provide more concrete examples to clarify your points, and expand on how they directly relate to the thesis.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame your response.
task achievement
The example of Albert Alaika is relevant and well-integrated, supporting your argument effectively.
task achievement
You have a structured approach in discussing both advantages and disadvantages, providing a balanced view.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Perseverance
  • Self-esteem
  • Ambitious goals
  • Risk of unrealistic expectations
  • Undue stress
  • Self-blame
  • External factors
  • Hard work ethic
  • Motivation
  • Limitations
  • Potential
What to do next:
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