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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that the increase in the number of obese people should be the responsibility of the governments, while other think it should be the responsibility of individuals. Discuss both sides and give your opinion

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It is argued that the
government
Use synonyms
 should take charge of a surge
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the obese population,
while
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 others think that it is up to individuals. In my opinion, I totally contend that it is a personal responsibility
that is
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 mostly controlled by a
person
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 himself or herself.
Government
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 can influence the number of
community
Fix the agreement mistake
communities
show examples
 with excess fat through various campaigns and programs. They have enough control to minimize
this
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 type of population, disseminating information about healthy
lifestyle
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lifestyles
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.
Furthermore
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, they have supreme power in importing commodities,
such
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 as various
food
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foods
show examples
.
Thus
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, goods
that
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is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 consumed by citizens might be controlled by the
government
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, as diet has a great impact on the weight of the body.
For instance
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, China implemented
Correct article usage
a rigourous
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rigourous
Correct your spelling
rigorous
filter
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filters
show examples
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 products, which are either been produced or entered the country, meanwhile,
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
 does not have
this
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 rule.
As a result
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, China has approximately twice less proportion of obese people as the USA .
Nevertheless
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, I do not consider it as a primary factor for it. Individual efforts can be more deciding regarding an obese
person
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 since they have a more direct effect. Eventually, only one
person
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 makes the final decision whether to obey the rules assigned by the
government
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. He or she can implement various techniques, which may include proper diet and regular exercise.
Furthermore
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, it demands a unique approach for each individual body in creating the best method for him or her, as each
person
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 tends to have characteristics that he or she only has. In
this
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 case,
general
Correct article usage
the general
show examples
 methods that
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 is producing may be not suitable.
For example
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,
community
Fix the agreement mistake
communities
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 who struggle with diabetes can not do sport on a daily basis since physical activity is not generally recommended for them. In conclusion, the surge of obese people is not a trivial problem, it needs an effective approach in order to tackle it.
While
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 the
government
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 has a crucial effect on
this
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 type of population, its methods may be not as effective as individuals have on themselves.

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task achievement
Your essay provides a complete response to the prompt, discussing both perspectives and offering an opinion. However, try to elaborate a bit more on your opinion and how you believe responsibility should be balanced between individuals and the government.
task achievement
Your main points are supported with examples, such as the comparison between China and the USA. However, including more diverse examples would strengthen your argument further.
task achievement
Maintain clarity by breaking down complex ideas into simpler sentences. This will help in conveying your ideas more comprehensively to the reader.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-organized with a clear introduction and conclusion. Enhance the logical flow of your arguments to maintain a seamless progression from one point to another.
coherence cohesion
Ensure all paragraphs are focused and linked smoothly for better cohesion. Consider using transition words and phrases to strengthen links between ideas.
coherence cohesion
You provided a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is logically structured, with points and examples supporting your main ideas.
task achievement
You addressed both sides of the argument and gave your personal opinion, fulfilling the task requirements.
task achievement
Using specific examples, such as the differences in governmental policies between China and the USA, adds depth to your argument.
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