In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between equality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits. What is your view of the relationship between equality and personal success?

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The relationship between equality and personal success is a complex and multifaceted issue that has increasingly been

the

Correct article usage

show examples

matter of much debate.

While

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some claim that personal achievements are attainable only when

individuals

Use synonyms

have the freedom to succeed or fail based on their own abilities, I firmly believe that people are able to accomplish more in societies that promote equality. On the one hand, proponents

advocate

Correct pronoun usage

who advocate

show examples

for a meritocratic approach might argue that personal success is best achieved when

individuals

Use synonyms

are allowed to reap the rewards of both their hard work and individual merit. They contend that the drive to excel and the prospect of greater personal gain can serve as a powerful motivator, which is likely to push people to reach new heights of achievement. In

this

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view, the freedom to succeed or fail based on one's own merits is extremely pivotal for fostering not only innovation and entrepreneurship

Remove the comma

apply

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but

also

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the advancement of the community as well.

Consequently

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, a society that prioritizes meritocracy may see greater

overall

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progress and development, driven by

individuals

Use synonyms

striving to maximize their potential.

On the other hand

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, I completely believe that creating a level playing field and providing equal opportunities for all can potentially foster a more innovative and productive environment. In

such

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a system,

individuals

Use synonyms

are free to pursue their passions and make the most of their talents, unhindered by socioeconomic barriers.

As a result

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this

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can lead to a more diverse range of contributions and a greater collective achievement.

Furthermore

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, a more equitable distribution of resources and support can empower marginalized groups to reach their full potential,

thus

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benefiting the entire community. A case in point can be seen in how scholarships and financial aid programs have enabled students from low-income families to attend prestigious universities. As these students graduate and enter the workforce, they could bring valuable skills and knowledge that might enrich society as a whole. In conclusion,

while

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individual success may hinge on personal merit, I contend that greater accomplishments are only achievable in societies that foster equality.

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task achievement

Consider strengthening your examples by adding more specific data or case studies, which can help bolster the relevant specific examples criterion.

coherence cohesion

Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next to maintain cohesive flow throughout the essay.

coherence cohesion

Your essay is well-structured, with a clear introduction and conclusion that neatly encapsulate your main points.

task achievement

You have comprehensively addressed both sides of the argument, and your own stance is well-articulated and supported.

coherence cohesion

The logical progression of your ideas makes it easy for the reader to follow your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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10
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
1
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 6.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 6.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 7.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

340 words

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Nowadays,many people choose to be self-employed,rather than to work for a company or organisation.why might this be the case?what could be the disadvantage of being self-employed?

Many foods are shipped from far away. Some people think that eating local food is more environmentally and economically. Do you think the advantages outweigh its disadvantages?

Nowadays, people use bicycles less as a form of transport. Why is that? What can we do to encourage people to use bicycles more?

The use of social media such as Facebook or Twitter is replacing face-to-face contact this century. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?