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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some countries, traditional leisure activities like dance, music, and sports are becoming less popular among young people. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

#countries #leisure #activities #dance #music #sports #people #development
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It is argued that in some nations, traditional
activities
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as dance, music and
sports
Use synonyms
 are
loosing
Replace the word
losing
show examples
 popularity by the day among
new
Add an article
the new
a new
show examples
 generation. In my opinion, it is a completely negative development and in
this
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essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I am going to shed light on the said opinion. Traditional
activities
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 help
maintaining
Wrong verb form
maintain
show examples
 an active
lifestyle
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 and
keeps
Change the verb form
keep
show examples
 obesity at bay. Performing dance and
sports
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 may eventually lead to great career opportunities in future.
To begin
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 with,
getting indulged
Wrong verb form
indulging
show examples
 in physical leisure
activities
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come
Correct subject-verb agreement
comes
show examples
 with great benefits to
health
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. It helps
maintaining
Wrong verb form
maintain
show examples
 an active
lifestyle
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 and keeps obesity and other
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health related
Add a hyphen
health-related
show examples
 issues away.Today's generation is more involved in video games and
hence
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,
leads
Correct pronoun usage
which leads
show examples
 to a sedentary and lethargic
lifestyle
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, which takes a toll on both mental and physical
health
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.
For instance
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, obesity in youngsters is at
it's
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its
show examples
 peak
according to
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 a recent survey.
Due to
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this
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,
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health related
Add a hyphen
health-related
show examples
 problems are rising rapidly from a very young age.
Additionally
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, performing traditional
activities
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such
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 as
sports
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, dance or music can add
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
an impressive skill
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 one's life. Doing
sports
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 not only gives you
athletic
Correct article usage
an athletic
show examples
 personality
,
Add the word(s)
, but
show examples
it can
also
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 lead to great career advancements.
For example
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, Travis Head is a very popular cricketer, who once revealed in an interview
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
how he used to play a lot
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
his
Change the word
a
show examples
 young age, which ultimately
lead
Wrong verb form
led
show examples
 him to be a successful
Use synonyms
sports person
Correct your spelling
sportsperson
show examples
 and achieve a respected position in society.
To sum up
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, leaving traditional leisure
activities
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 is a negative development, which leads to
sedentary
Add an article
a sedentary
show examples
lifestyle
Use synonyms
 which
give
Change the verb form
gives
show examples
 rise to
health
Use synonyms
 issues and performing any of the traditional
activities
Use synonyms
 may lead to a successful career.
Submitted by rubysharma14415 on

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task achievement
Consider providing a more detailed counter-argument to further elaborate on why traditional activities' decline might be seen as negative, ensuring a balanced discussion.
task achievement
Check for small grammatical errors, such as 'loosing' instead of 'losing', to enhance clarity and professionalism in your writing.
task achievement
Ensure that each point is fully developed with specific examples and maybe personal insights, if applicable, to give depth to the argument.
task achievement
You clearly outlined your opinion in the introduction and followed through with supportive arguments, maintaining focus throughout.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well organized, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion that encapsulate the main ideas effectively.
coherence cohesion
Logical progression between paragraphs and ideas, with effective use of transition phrases that enhance the overall flow of the essay.
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