IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people believe that our happiness depend on how much money we have. Others say that ‘money cannot buy happiness.’ Do you think that having money is the key to happiness, or are there more important factors?

#people #happiness #money #‘money #factors
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The debate surrounding the relationship between cash and happiness has gained significant attention, with some asserting that financial wealth is the basis of a satisfying
life
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,
while
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 others argue that true delight exceeds material properties.
This
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 discussion raises important questions about the true sources of felicity and what factors contribute to a fulfilling
life
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. On one hand, it is undeniable that capital can significantly enhance our quality of
life
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. Financial stability allows individuals to meet their basic needs,
such
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 as food, shelter, and healthcare.
For instance
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, consider a popular tourist destination like Disneyland. Many families save funds for years to visit the magical place, believing it will create unforgettable memories and felicity for them. The joy experienced at Disneyland can be linked to the financial resources that enabled the trip, showcasing how
fund
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funds
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 can facilitate bliss in certain contexts.
On the other hand
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, the argument that income cannot buy bliss holds an important weight. Numerous studies have shown that after reaching a certain income level, additional wealth does not connect with increased joy. A notable example is the famous actor Jim Carrey, who once said, "I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it's not the answer." Despite his wide wealth and success, Carrey emphasizes that true fulfilment often comes from personal connections and a sense of aim. In conclusion, whilst finance can undoubtedly contribute to a comfortable lifestyle, it is not the key to a happy
life
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.
Instead
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, the importance of relationships, personal supplements, and a feeling of purpose cannot be exaggerated.
Submitted by i.nureddinn on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure consistent terminology. The use of various synonyms like 'felicity,' 'delight,' 'bliss,' etc., for happiness might confuse the reader.
Task Achievement
Expand on points related to personal fulfillment and purpose; these could be explored with more examples or broader discussion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Avoid minor language inaccuracies by reviewing phrases like 'material properties' which might confuse readers.
Task Achievement
Successfully balances both perspectives on money and happiness.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which contribute to a complete and coherent structure.
Task Achievement
Effectively uses examples, such as the Jim Carrey quote, to illustrate key points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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