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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In many countries today, if people want to find work, they have to move away from their friends and their families. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from own knowledge or experience.

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There is an increasing number of
people
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 relocating to a new location, leaving their loved ones to pursue better careers and opportunities.
While
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,
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apply
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 there are some negative aspects of
this
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 trend, I believe that the benefits of
such
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 an approach far outweigh the potential drawbacks. On the one hand, there are several advantages of looking for jobs away from individual
hometown
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hometowns
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.
Firstly
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, moving away from their hometown allows
people
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 to have an opportunity for a wider variety of jobs and a better career. As an example, large corporations are mostly located in the cities, so
people
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 from different places will need to relocate if they want to
work
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 there.
Secondly
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, a better salary plays a crucial role in encouraging
people
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 to be away from their family and friends.
People
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 usually earn money so they can use it for their own purposes, so the higher the income from the job, the more attracted they will be.
This
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 can be a significant draw for individuals looking to improve their financial situation.
On the other hand
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, moving to an unfamiliar place can
yield
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have
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 a negative effect on
people
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's mental health. When relocating to a new place, especially abroad, job seekers may face culture shock, which can heavily impact their minds and performance at
work
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.
Additionally
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, pressure from
work
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 and the distance from close
people
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 can contribute to stress and feelings of loneliness.
For example
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, the suicide rate in South Korea is increasing at an alarming rate
due to
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 mental illness and overloaded
work
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. In conclusion, it is irrefutable that there are several drawbacks to relocating to another place in search of better opportunities;
however
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, with the upgraded technology
people
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 can easily communicate with their loved ones to seek support and ease their loneliness without sacrificing their goals. Having a better career and a higher income would be enough to outweigh the disadvantages.

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task achievement
Provide more detailed examples to support your arguments, especially in the body paragraphs.
coherence and cohesion
Incorporate transitions between points to enhance the flow of the essay.
task achievement
The introduction clearly states your position on the topic, and the conclusion effectively summarizes your main points.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is logically organized, with distinct paragraphs for advantages and disadvantages.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • relocation
  • employment prospects
  • professional development
  • cultural exposure
  • isolation
  • familial relationships
  • cost of living
  • career progression
  • mental health
  • significant life events
  • higher salaries
  • support families
  • broaden horizons
  • living standards
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