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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think money is one of the most essential factors in promoting hapinness. Do you think people can be happy without much money? What other factors contribute towards happiness?

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Certain people opine that money is one of the most important reasons for supporting happiness. In my opinion, it does help a lot of people elevate from difficulty but there are other factors included
also
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.
First,
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one of the most necessary reasons why money can be considered a factor in anyone's enjoyment is that it provides freedom. Undeniably, wealth can bring most of us a number of opportunities to do anything we desire without a financial limitation.
For example
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,
according to
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 a recent study from Harvard University, 8 out of 10 U.S. population tend to change their everyday lifestyles if they no longer have to worry about their financial status.
In addition
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, a lack of cash can lead anyone to be in poverty, not only in their households but
also
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 in their minds.
Thus
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, being wealthy will not only prevent one from
such
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 difficulty but
also
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 contribute towards having a lot more happiness.
Besides
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 possessing a number of wealthy accessories, everyday small satisfactories, though, can
also
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 allow a number of people to be joyful not unlike being rich. With a calm mind, those in
such
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 capitalism will be able to keep living their lives unworriedly.
For instance
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,
according to
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 a survey recently conducted by the New York Times, two-thirds of American workers willingly resign when given an opportunity to live in an assumed Utopia city where currency is not used. What's more, being environed by positive surroundings does cause most humans to have more joy as well.
This
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, even more importantly, empowers humanity to live peacefully and than wealth itself.
To conclude
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, being rich is
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 essential factor for a man to have more happiness not only because of the freedom it provides but
also
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 because of poverty.
Besides
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 that, daily small satisfactories and the environment can be considered
such
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 reasons too.

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coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence, focus on creating clear transitions between paragraphs and ideas. Try using cohesive devices such as 'moreover,' 'furthermore,' and 'on the other hand' to connect your arguments more smoothly.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph centers around a single main idea, and develop it thoroughly before moving on to the next point. This will help in logical structuring.
task achievement
In terms of task response, ensure that all parts of the prompt are fully addressed. The question asks if people can be happy without much money, so it's essential to explicitly discuss this in your essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay begins with a concise introduction that clearly outlines the writer's stance on the role of money in happiness.
task achievement
Good attempt at providing specific examples, such as the study from Harvard University and the New York Times survey, adds credibility to the arguments.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points discussed, reinforcing the writer's thesis while balancing it with other contributing factors to happiness.
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